After the Game: What do you say?
April 20, 2017
By Kevin Wolma
Hudsonville Athletic Director
“I love to watch you play.” Those are the six words a son or daughter wants to hear from his or her parents after a game.
What if your child does not play? What do you say then? Parents can’t say, “I love to watch you play” when your child does not play, nor can they say other post-competition statements like:
“Did you fight like a dog?”
“Did you have fun?”
It is hard to fight like a dog when not given the opportunity, and we all know players have more fun when they play in the game. When you google the phrase, “what to say after a game,” there are all sorts of articles written with some of them backed by research. However, when you google the phrase – “what to say when your kid does not play” – very little comes out of that search.
Why?
This is a hard and very sensitive area for most parents to come up with the right thing to say.
Before we talk about what to say in this situation, it may be more important to discuss what not to say after a game where your child does not play. Some of the comments all parents should avoid are:
“Why have you not played in the last three games? Your coach must not like you for some reason.”
“Your coach is clueless; he has no idea what he is doing.”
“You are way better than Johnny! I can’t believe he is playing more minutes than you.”
“Did you see how many mistakes Suzie made? I know if you were given the opportunity you would not make those same mistakes.”
Parents will often say these things because they are frustrated, and parents think they are comforting their child by giving them an excuse. What these comments actually do is create a divisive culture within a team. After hearing these negative comments over and over again, the athlete will eventually believe it only to see his or her attitude and effort become negatively affected over time. That athlete turns into a selfish teammate.
Now let’s put yourself in the situation where your child comes home after a game after not playing. What do you say?
The first thing you could do is talk about the game itself. Recount certain plays and make note of individuals who played well for both teams. This initial conversation takes the uncomfortable nature of the situation and sets the stage to talk about how athletes feel about not getting into the game.
There may be times when your child will not want to talk about it because he or she is upset, angry or even embarrassed. These moments of silence give the parents an opportunity to talk about the importance of being a good teammate and how an athlete can have a major impact on the team no matter what role is played. They can teach how to be the first person off the bench to congratulate or give a word of encouragement to teammates. Parents also can point out that the harder athletes work in practice, the better it is going to make the team.
In other words, we have the responsibility as parents to teach our kids the significance of living life pointed out no matter the circumstance. Living pointed out simply means to put others before yourself in everything you do. Finding ways to make the people around you the best they can be. No complaining. No excuses.
Andrew DeWitt played two years of Varsity basketball for me at Hudsonville, and he rarely had the opportunity to play. Unfortunately for him, he was a good player on two really good teams with lots of talent. He understood his role and treated practices like games – playing as hard as he could.
He would elevate the intensity of practice every day. On game nights, he was our biggest cheerleader. His impact went way beyond scoring points or getting rebounds.
Andrew’s parents were great teachers as they guided him through those tough times where it would have been easy to make an excuse or complain. Instead, they taught Andrew he could always have an influence on other people’s lives despite the role he played. What a great lesson that Andrew can carry with him for the rest of his life.
At the end of the day, one thing every parent in every situation can say that will have a positive impact is, “I love you.” Many times athletes think they are letting their parents down because of their lack of playing time. Knowing that their parents love them the same whether they play a lot or not at all has a significant impact on how the student-athlete responds to adversity, and specifically not playing in games.
I challenge all parents to use these potentially negative situations as a way to teach student-athletes valuable lessons on what it means to be a great teammate – and more importantly in teaching them to live their life pointed out. There may not be a simple six-word phrase to say when your child does not play, but there is definitely plenty to talk about.
Wolma has served as Hudsonville's athletic director since 2011 and previously coached boys varsity basketball and girls varsity golf among other teams. He also previously taught physical education and health.
Expert Teammates Fill Health Roster
January 2, 2020
By Rob Kaminski
MHSAA benchmarks editor
Teamwork is a necessity in athletics. The MHSAA has put together the beginnings of a solid roster to combat mental health ailments throughout schools in the state.
Among the experts listed on the MHSAA Mental Health Speakers Bureau are Christy Buck, executive director, and Cat Lanting, program coordinator at the Mental Health Foundation of West Michigan; and Brooke Buys, mental and behavioral health specialist and founder of BLND Health. They already are serving MHSAA schools in various capacities.
Through personal appearances, promotional videos and staff availability, both organizations emphasize the same strategy when tackling mental health issues: recognition and treatment from within the school buildings and districts.
“We wanted to create self-starting kits that anyone in the district can implement,” said Lanting. “We have in-person trainings and opportunities for students to get together – students talking to students – for high schools and for middle schools.”
Lanting coordinates the be nice.® Action Plan, founded by Buck. The plan calls for people to “notice, invite, challenge and empower” when recognizing changes in those close to them.
“It’s an attractive statement, but the key to the action plan is that it’s transferable. It can work from the pre-K level to senior citizens,” she said. “We want people to notice change, invite people into the conversation, challenge stigmas, and empower themselves with knowledge surrounding mental health.”
Buys, meanwhile, is one of a team of behavioral health specialists delivering messages to student-athletes around the state. Many of her associates in BLND (pronounced “blend”) not only talk the talk, but have walked the walk as collegiate athletes.
“The best course of action for administrators, teachers, coaches is to strive to build and maintain trust with the student-athlete; have genuine, non-judgmental conversations to include open-ended questions and authentic concern,” said Buys, who played soccer at Kalamazoo College.
Both be nice.® and BLND staff members made appearances at schools this year to assist in promoting recognition. A 90-second video produced by be nice.® was included in all MHSAA online rules meetings this year, featuring endorsements from University of Michigan coaches Jim Harbaugh and Carol Hutchins and Michigan State University coaches Mark Dantonio and Tom Izzo.
“When our team met with Mark (Uyl) and some athletic directors in Spring 2019, the room was filled with people who have just started to recognize mental health as an issue. The challenge was to deliver a 90-second video promoting the be nice.® Action Plan with a quick turnaround so it was ready for the fall rules meetings,” said Lanting.
She encourages people to visit be nice.org and “take the be nice.® pledge.”
“be nice.® started in 2010, and when people first see it they think, ‘bullying prevention,’ but really it is an action plan that is evidence-based,” Lanting said. “The be nice.® Action Plan can be used anywhere – in the workplace, community organizations – but schools is where we started and where we are currently having the most impact.”
Connecting with the most people possible is the goal across the board. Buys encourages schools to utilize the “one-stop shopping method” in the BLND programming.
“An external referral service that is qualified, efficient, dynamic, and integrated in nature – like BLND – helps provide a one-stop shop for student-athletes and parents to receive the support they need,” said Buys.
Lanting agrees, stating, “The more students and parents become familiar with some of the signs and symptoms, the better. Coaches and teammates might be the first to notice a change in someone’s behavior whether through daily interaction or social media activity.”
Buys and company have noticed a few recent trends leading to school-aged anxiety and stress, and have people in place to visit groups and lead discussions.
“The signs and symptoms can be very individualized, but some general factors may include isolation, irritability, drastic changes to an individual’s common mood or behavior,” noted Buys. “Students can also be affected by major life changes such as parent divorce, break-up with significant other, changing schools, things of that nature.”
When Lanting receives inquiries from individual coaches regarding the be nice.® program, she encourages them to get entire teams or districts involved, because, “it’s a K-12 initiative, and sports is really a great place to start.”
Sport participation offers a different set of variables. Student-athletes enjoy additional support and guidance, but there is a flip side.
“Student-athletes do have access to more adult guidance through coaches, and certainly enjoy inclusion as part of a team, but they also tend to be more at risk for anxiety,” Lanting said.
Buys points out several reasons for this, including added expectations – whether from within or from peers, parents and coaches. They are also busier than many others.
“Time management is an issue for all of us, but student-athletes can have difficulties finding that rhythm,” Buys said. “This can cause a lot of anxiety if an area of the athlete’s life that they value is perceived as not getting the attention it needs.”
Another source of stress more likely to affect athletes is injuries.
“One of the biggest challenges in the athlete population dealing with stress and anxiety is the strong relationship between stress and injury,” said Buys. “Susceptibility to injury as well as the length of time for recovery are affected by stress.”
Identifying physical conditions is much simpler than recognizing behavioral ailments. That’s why it’s important for groups like BLND and be nice.® to teach the school population to self-diagnose.
Lanting coordinated a be nice.® football game between Holland/Zeeland-area high schools last fall, and is planning a similar event during a Fennville-Saugatuck boys basketball game this winter.
“We see all the ‘pink-out’ games and events for other causes, and that’s great,” Lanting said. “But a person in high school is so much more likely to be affected by mental health than suffer a physical ailment. That’s why the student-led part of this is so important; they tell us when things happen that might trigger certain behaviors.”
PHOTOS: (Top) be nice. founder Christy Buck (left) and program coordinator Cat Lanting pose with MSU men’s basketball coach Tom Izzo during production of a promotional video this summer. (Middle) The BLND Health Detroit Metro Team, including founder Brooke Buys (seated middle, second row from bottom.)