After the Game: What do you say?
April 20, 2017
By Kevin Wolma
Hudsonville Athletic Director
“I love to watch you play.” Those are the six words a son or daughter wants to hear from his or her parents after a game.
What if your child does not play? What do you say then? Parents can’t say, “I love to watch you play” when your child does not play, nor can they say other post-competition statements like:
“Did you fight like a dog?”
“Did you have fun?”
It is hard to fight like a dog when not given the opportunity, and we all know players have more fun when they play in the game. When you google the phrase, “what to say after a game,” there are all sorts of articles written with some of them backed by research. However, when you google the phrase – “what to say when your kid does not play” – very little comes out of that search.
Why?
This is a hard and very sensitive area for most parents to come up with the right thing to say.
Before we talk about what to say in this situation, it may be more important to discuss what not to say after a game where your child does not play. Some of the comments all parents should avoid are:
“Why have you not played in the last three games? Your coach must not like you for some reason.”
“Your coach is clueless; he has no idea what he is doing.”
“You are way better than Johnny! I can’t believe he is playing more minutes than you.”
“Did you see how many mistakes Suzie made? I know if you were given the opportunity you would not make those same mistakes.”
Parents will often say these things because they are frustrated, and parents think they are comforting their child by giving them an excuse. What these comments actually do is create a divisive culture within a team. After hearing these negative comments over and over again, the athlete will eventually believe it only to see his or her attitude and effort become negatively affected over time. That athlete turns into a selfish teammate.
Now let’s put yourself in the situation where your child comes home after a game after not playing. What do you say?
The first thing you could do is talk about the game itself. Recount certain plays and make note of individuals who played well for both teams. This initial conversation takes the uncomfortable nature of the situation and sets the stage to talk about how athletes feel about not getting into the game.
There may be times when your child will not want to talk about it because he or she is upset, angry or even embarrassed. These moments of silence give the parents an opportunity to talk about the importance of being a good teammate and how an athlete can have a major impact on the team no matter what role is played. They can teach how to be the first person off the bench to congratulate or give a word of encouragement to teammates. Parents also can point out that the harder athletes work in practice, the better it is going to make the team.
In other words, we have the responsibility as parents to teach our kids the significance of living life pointed out no matter the circumstance. Living pointed out simply means to put others before yourself in everything you do. Finding ways to make the people around you the best they can be. No complaining. No excuses.
Andrew DeWitt played two years of Varsity basketball for me at Hudsonville, and he rarely had the opportunity to play. Unfortunately for him, he was a good player on two really good teams with lots of talent. He understood his role and treated practices like games – playing as hard as he could.
He would elevate the intensity of practice every day. On game nights, he was our biggest cheerleader. His impact went way beyond scoring points or getting rebounds.
Andrew’s parents were great teachers as they guided him through those tough times where it would have been easy to make an excuse or complain. Instead, they taught Andrew he could always have an influence on other people’s lives despite the role he played. What a great lesson that Andrew can carry with him for the rest of his life.
At the end of the day, one thing every parent in every situation can say that will have a positive impact is, “I love you.” Many times athletes think they are letting their parents down because of their lack of playing time. Knowing that their parents love them the same whether they play a lot or not at all has a significant impact on how the student-athlete responds to adversity, and specifically not playing in games.
I challenge all parents to use these potentially negative situations as a way to teach student-athletes valuable lessons on what it means to be a great teammate – and more importantly in teaching them to live their life pointed out. There may not be a simple six-word phrase to say when your child does not play, but there is definitely plenty to talk about.
Wolma has served as Hudsonville's athletic director since 2011 and previously coached boys varsity basketball and girls varsity golf among other teams. He also previously taught physical education and health.
Speakers Bureau Helps Generate Conversation
December 30, 2019
By Rob Kaminski
MHSAA benchmarks editor
As student mental health climbs the list of health and safety concerns, the MHSAA and state associations across the country are taking measures to provide resources and guidance aimed to keep school sports an enjoyable and valuable experience.
In sports, coaches and athletes learn to expect the unexpected. It’s the nature of competition; constructing gameplans tailored to utilize team strengths and expose opponents’ weaknesses. Often times this entails doing things that opponents won’t expect. Participants then learn and prepare for the next time; it’s one of the ways athletics prepares participants for life, as educational leaders often preach.
Today’s ever-changing culture recently threw such a curveball at the young people who populate our hallways and playing surfaces, calling for statewide associations and organizations to shift focuses and prepare for a new opponent while attempting to keep school sports one of the best means to a healthy adolescent lifestyle.
“I was at the NCAA summer meeting in 2017, discussing health and safety issues and the topic of concussions came up, as it often does. I assumed that concussions was the No. 1 health and safety issue,” said MHSAA Executive Director Mark Uyl. “I was quickly corrected that it’s student mental health; that knocked me back.”
It would not be an uncommon reaction, given the amount of information, media coverage and programs designed to recognize and reduce concussion incidents in recent years.
All the while, anxiety, depression and stress had been creeping into the picture beneath the surface. Such disorders are much more difficult to detect, as there are few visible symptoms when compared to sprains, fatigue, head injuries and other physical ailments.
“I became interested and began to research the topic. The more I read, the more concerned I became,” Uyl said. “The MHSAA, with a great deal of help and cooperation from our school leaders, has done a tremendous job educating and providing resources for health-related issues such as heat management, concussion reporting and practice policies, and now we have a new challenge.”
Fortunately, as has often been the case, there are knowledgeable and qualified people throughout Michigan’s roster of educational leaders who are willing to assist.
As word spread regarding the student mental health initiative, the MHSAA was able to establish a Mental Health Speakers Bureau composed of several experienced individuals willing to assist (see below).
“Our speakers bureau really grew by word of mouth,” Uyl said. “A school would bring in a speaker, or a league would invite a speaker, and once we were connected with them, then those people would share names and it grew from there.”
The resources range from former professional athletes, to behavioral specialists, to current MHSAA coaches.
Dave Ingles, basketball coach at Kent City, is one such individual. His credibility comes from first-hand experience.
“I privately struggled with deep depression for six years,” Ingles said. “Be alert. Talk to your athletes and students and actually listen to what they are saying. I always used the phrase, ‘I’m fine;’ that is not an acceptable answer to me anymore when I hear it.”
The National Institute of Mental Health reveals that most mental health conditions begin around the time children are transitioning from middle school to high school. The more people trained to identify symptoms and behavior, the better the chance to reduce or reverse some of the following numbers:
• 50% of all lifetime cases of mental illness begin by age 14
• 37% of students with a mental health condition age 14 or older drop out of school
• 20% of students ages 13-18 live with a mental health condition
• 11% of youth have a mood disorder and 8% have an anxiety disorder
• Suicide is the third leading cause of death for ages 10-24
Non-visible ailments always have been most difficult to detect, and today’s proliferation of technology – from streaming to social media – can serve to further mask symptoms.
“The more kids spend time with their devices, staring at their screens, isolation can be quick to take hold,” Uyl said. “Everything is instant. It used to be if our friends didn’t invite us somewhere, we didn’t worry about it; we probably wouldn’t find out for a couple days and had already moved on. Today, in about 10 minutes, there’s a picture on Instagram or Snapchat and kids instantly know, ‘I’m not included.’ Isolation leads to depression and anxiety, and in the worst cases can even lead to suicide.”
That message might sound familiar. Segments of the 2019-20 MHSAA online rules meetings include Uyl emphasizing student mental health and a video clip produced by benice.org promoting a mental health action plan endorsed by four of the state’s most recognized collegiate coaches.
It’s all part of the plan to promote awareness and generate conversation surrounding this serious health and safety issue during 2019-20 and beyond.
“We’re not going to try to do this all by ourselves,” Uyl said. “There are plenty of experts in the field, and we’re going to utilize their knowledge. We’ll build relationships and align ourselves with these people to provide a foundation. We need to become a resource center for our membership.”
In addition to the rules meetings messages, the MHSAA also partnered with the Michigan Association of Secondary School Principals Student Mental Health Summit on Oct. 8 in Lansing. This event – sold out within weeks of posting – invited principals, counselors, student leadership advisers and student leaders to come together to discuss and seek solutions for student mental health concerns impacting schools. The MHSAA lined up Eric Hipple, one of its speaker bureau members, who delivered a keynote, “Depression and Suicidal Awareness.”
Student mental health was among topics during the MHSAA Update and AD In-Service tour around the state this fall as well. The meeting at Comstock Park on Sept. 30 included a presentation from the Mental Health Foundation of West Michigan to introduce the be nice® action plan and encourage schools to take advantage of that and other resources the group has to offer.
The rise of mental health as one of the more prominent medical concerns nationally has occurred, as Ingles sees it, “because more people are talking about it now.”
Leaders like Ingles and those in numerous organizations have begun to assist the MHSAA in identifying and treating cases in our schools.
MHSAA Mental Health Speakers Bureau
Below is a list of individuals and organizations partnering with the MHSAA to assist in promoting mental well-being for students around the state. The MHSAA encourages school personnel to reach out to any of these experienced leaders in the field for programming in your buildings and districts.
• Christy Buck, Executive Director – Mental Health Foundation of West Michigan - be nice.® [email protected]
• Brooke Buys, Mental & Behavioral Health Specialist – BLND Health [email protected]
• Eric Hipple, former Detroit Lions quarterback [email protected]
• Dave Ingles, Basketball Coach & Speaker – Kent City High School [email protected]
• Cat Lanting, Program Coordinator – Mental Health Foundation of West Michigan - be nice.® [email protected]
• Halle Wangler, former University of Michigan basketball player [email protected]
PHOTO: Brooke Buys, a mental and behavioral health specialist and founder of BLND Health, speaks with students. (Photo courtesy of BLND Health.)