After the Game: What do you say?
April 20, 2017
By Kevin Wolma
Hudsonville Athletic Director
“I love to watch you play.” Those are the six words a son or daughter wants to hear from his or her parents after a game.
What if your child does not play? What do you say then? Parents can’t say, “I love to watch you play” when your child does not play, nor can they say other post-competition statements like:
“Did you fight like a dog?”
“Did you have fun?”
It is hard to fight like a dog when not given the opportunity, and we all know players have more fun when they play in the game. When you google the phrase, “what to say after a game,” there are all sorts of articles written with some of them backed by research. However, when you google the phrase – “what to say when your kid does not play” – very little comes out of that search.
Why?
This is a hard and very sensitive area for most parents to come up with the right thing to say.
Before we talk about what to say in this situation, it may be more important to discuss what not to say after a game where your child does not play. Some of the comments all parents should avoid are:
“Why have you not played in the last three games? Your coach must not like you for some reason.”
“Your coach is clueless; he has no idea what he is doing.”
“You are way better than Johnny! I can’t believe he is playing more minutes than you.”
“Did you see how many mistakes Suzie made? I know if you were given the opportunity you would not make those same mistakes.”
Parents will often say these things because they are frustrated, and parents think they are comforting their child by giving them an excuse. What these comments actually do is create a divisive culture within a team. After hearing these negative comments over and over again, the athlete will eventually believe it only to see his or her attitude and effort become negatively affected over time. That athlete turns into a selfish teammate.
Now let’s put yourself in the situation where your child comes home after a game after not playing. What do you say?
The first thing you could do is talk about the game itself. Recount certain plays and make note of individuals who played well for both teams. This initial conversation takes the uncomfortable nature of the situation and sets the stage to talk about how athletes feel about not getting into the game.
There may be times when your child will not want to talk about it because he or she is upset, angry or even embarrassed. These moments of silence give the parents an opportunity to talk about the importance of being a good teammate and how an athlete can have a major impact on the team no matter what role is played. They can teach how to be the first person off the bench to congratulate or give a word of encouragement to teammates. Parents also can point out that the harder athletes work in practice, the better it is going to make the team.
In other words, we have the responsibility as parents to teach our kids the significance of living life pointed out no matter the circumstance. Living pointed out simply means to put others before yourself in everything you do. Finding ways to make the people around you the best they can be. No complaining. No excuses.
Andrew DeWitt played two years of Varsity basketball for me at Hudsonville, and he rarely had the opportunity to play. Unfortunately for him, he was a good player on two really good teams with lots of talent. He understood his role and treated practices like games – playing as hard as he could.
He would elevate the intensity of practice every day. On game nights, he was our biggest cheerleader. His impact went way beyond scoring points or getting rebounds.
Andrew’s parents were great teachers as they guided him through those tough times where it would have been easy to make an excuse or complain. Instead, they taught Andrew he could always have an influence on other people’s lives despite the role he played. What a great lesson that Andrew can carry with him for the rest of his life.
At the end of the day, one thing every parent in every situation can say that will have a positive impact is, “I love you.” Many times athletes think they are letting their parents down because of their lack of playing time. Knowing that their parents love them the same whether they play a lot or not at all has a significant impact on how the student-athlete responds to adversity, and specifically not playing in games.
I challenge all parents to use these potentially negative situations as a way to teach student-athletes valuable lessons on what it means to be a great teammate – and more importantly in teaching them to live their life pointed out. There may not be a simple six-word phrase to say when your child does not play, but there is definitely plenty to talk about.
Wolma has served as Hudsonville's athletic director since 2011 and previously coached boys varsity basketball and girls varsity golf among other teams. He also previously taught physical education and health.
More States Begin Mental Health Efforts
January 2, 2020
Editor’s Note: This is part of a series on NFHS News addressing the challenges of mental health issues in high school athletics. This article explores one statewide approach to this important subject.
Suicide is a serious public health problem. It is the second-leading cause of death of high school-aged individuals in the United States. (National Vital Statistics Report 2016 Data Published by the CDC July 2018)
In Oregon, the suicide rate is higher than the national average, and a recent survey of 11th-graders found that within the past year, 18 percent seriously considered suicide and 7 percent attempted suicide. (Youth Suicide Annual Report 2017 & Oregon Healthy Teens Survey 2017)
More concerning is the fact that the rate of completed suicides in youth has been increasing since 2011. Not only does suicide lead to a life lost much too early, it leaves a devastating impact on those left behind.
Fortunately, suicides are preventable. The Oregon Youth Suicide Intervention and Prevention Plan was created calling for “Zero Suicide ... through collective action among health and behavioral health systems, schools, communities, parents and other systems that touch the lives of youth.” (Youth Suicide Annual Report 2017) For numerous reasons, schools are being used as the primary means of dissemination and implementation of suicide prevention interventions.
One group of school personnel that had not been traditionally considered in school-based efforts are school activities personnel: coaches, athletic trainers and athletic administrators. These individuals spend a great deal of time with students, developing relationships that may go beyond what a student typically has with a teacher.
Coaches, athletic trainers and athletic administrators are in the ideal position to recognize behavioral warning signs or be the point person for students to go to if they have concerns about a peer. This is vital as youth considering suicide often talk about suicide and exhibit behaviors and/or moods associated with increased suicide risk. Additionally, activities personnel are school leaders who are often known and trusted by parents, thus creating more opportunities for dialogue on suicide prevention.
Realizing the impact youth suicide has on school communities and the prevention opportunities that exist, the leadership of the Oregon School Activities Association (OSAA), the Oregon Athletic Coaches Association, the Oregon Athletic Directors Association and the Oregon Athletic Trainers’ Society partnered to promote the role of high school activities personnel in preventing youth suicide. While these groups had multiple means of reaching out to the intended audience, the leadership realized help was needed from experts for a statewide education campaign to be successful. The Suicide Intervention Coordinator for the Oregon Health Authority (the state agency charged with overseeing Oregon’s health-related programs) was contacted and agreed to assist in developing a statewide educational campaign geared to activities personnel.
The Campaign
It was determined that a series of articles geared specifically to activities personnel would be written by the Oregon Health Authority and then disseminated by the OSAA throughout the academic year.
The articles typically contained two pages of practical information and tips. The campaign was not designed to replace a formal suicide gatekeeper training; rather, it served to promote awareness of the role activities personnel play in countering the rising problem. The articles and additional resources were also posted to the OSAA website.
The OSAA Foundation provided funding for a poster that was provided to schools to be placed in locker rooms, team rooms, athletic training rooms and other areas where students congregate. The primary goal of the poster was to provide students with contact information for crisis lines.
Toward the end of the campaign, workshops were presented by a representative from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention at the Oregon Athletic Directors Association’s annual statewide conference. The goal was to provide information on programs and policies that athletic administrators could implement at their schools.
While the campaign only spanned the 2017-18 academic year, the leadership of the stakeholder groups believed there was still more that could be done. In 2018-19, a campaign on anti-hazing and anti-bullying (which is a risk factor for suicide) was implemented using a similar approach as the suicide prevention campaign.
In addition, the groups coordinated a high school coaches’ symposium that included breakout sessions on suicide prevention, hazing prevention and character education.
Lessons Learned
Individuals who work with students involved with high school activity programs realize the power and opportunities which exist for positive character development. The focus of this campaign was to highlight a significant and growing public health problem – youth suicide. The goal of the campaign was to increase awareness and provide appropriate resources – not to create experts in suicide prevention.
The collaborative nature of this campaign strengthened the relationships between the different groups working together with a specific purpose. The groups have now partnered on several additional campaigns – the aforementioned anti-hazing/anti-bullying campaign and promoting the development of Emergency Action Plans.
The campaign also allowed the groups to work closely with state public health officials. While the OSAA had previously partnered with state public health officials regarding air quality policies and a guidance document for medical providers on pre-participation physical exams, this campaign provided several new and distinct advantages.
State public health officials were able to see the positive impact of participation in high school activity programs beyond just the activity itself – namely the positive mentorship relationships that may develop. They were also impressed by the large audience the campaign reached and the feedback provided (due to the expansive network of activities administrators, coaches and athletic trainers that the OSAA reaches). Ideally, this will spur additional collaborations in the future.
A major challenge for schools and school personnel is the competing demands for time and resources for the many worthy interventions and activities. Unfortunately, it is impossible to commit to all interventions and activities that may benefit students. While there was a monetary cost for the posters to be distributed to schools, development of the actual campaign articles and presentations were done by individuals as part of their job related to suicide prevention, so the campaign was relatively inexpensive. Since it was distributed throughout the year, it did not require a large time commitment from activities personnel and the monthly articles kept the issue front and center.
Conclusion
The statewide Youth Suicide Awareness Campaign is just one example of how the unique role of school activities personnel can be leveraged and how stakeholder organizations and state public health agencies can maximize their impact and reach through collaboration. While we will continue to review suicide incidence in Oregon during the coming years, the campaign is seen as a success at this point. It has strengthened relationships between the involved entities, and it promoted the role of coaches, athletic trainers and athletic administrators as mentors and trusted individuals to make an impact that extends beyond wins and losses.
— Sam Johnson, Rob Younger, Peter Weber, NFHS News, March 12, 2019
Colorado Institutes Mental Health Requirement
In a major step aimed at improving mental health of students across Colorado high schools, the CHSAA Board of Directors approved as a requirement that all coaches take a course on student mental health.
It is among the major topics facing high school students today. According to the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, 31 percent of high school students reported symptoms of depression in 2017, and 17 percent reported they seriously considered attempting suicide.
So, starting this fall, all coaches must take a course “Student Mental Health and Suicide Prevention” on the NFHS Learning Center, or a district-led mental health training. The NFHS Learn course is free.
In order to be a registered coach, this requirement must be satisfied. Unregistered coaches are not permitted to coach, per CHSAA bylaws. Other required courses or training are based around concussion, first aid, mandatory reporting, and the CHSAA coaches course.
“CHSAA’s vision is to deconstruct the stereotypes around mental health and help start the conversations that need to happen around our kids,” said CHSAA commissioner Rhonda Blanford-Green. “The mental and physical well-being of our student participants is our priority.”
The decision was made with the full support of the Sports Medicine Advisory Committee (SMAC), which discussed the topic at length during its meeting last school year.
“The committee was focused on finding great tools that we can give to our schools and coaches to help provide awareness around mental health, which is among the most important issues our students face,” said Jenn Roberts-Uhlig, the CHSAA staff liaison to SMAC. “We believe it is important for coaches to not be afraid to look for the signs and symptoms of a student who is struggling with their mental health, and this training will provide valuable instruction in how to do that.”
— Ryan Casey/CHSAA, June 27, 2019