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After the Game: What do you say?
April 20, 2017
By Kevin Wolma
Hudsonville Athletic Director
“I love to watch you play.” Those are the six words a son or daughter wants to hear from his or her parents after a game.
What if your child does not play? What do you say then? Parents can’t say, “I love to watch you play” when your child does not play, nor can they say other post-competition statements like:
“Did you fight like a dog?”
“Did you have fun?”
It is hard to fight like a dog when not given the opportunity, and we all know players have more fun when they play in the game. When you google the phrase, “what to say after a game,” there are all sorts of articles written with some of them backed by research. However, when you google the phrase – “what to say when your kid does not play” – very little comes out of that search.
Why?
This is a hard and very sensitive area for most parents to come up with the right thing to say.
Before we talk about what to say in this situation, it may be more important to discuss what not to say after a game where your child does not play. Some of the comments all parents should avoid are:
“Why have you not played in the last three games? Your coach must not like you for some reason.”
“Your coach is clueless; he has no idea what he is doing.”
“You are way better than Johnny! I can’t believe he is playing more minutes than you.”
“Did you see how many mistakes Suzie made? I know if you were given the opportunity you would not make those same mistakes.”
Parents will often say these things because they are frustrated, and parents think they are comforting their child by giving them an excuse. What these comments actually do is create a divisive culture within a team. After hearing these negative comments over and over again, the athlete will eventually believe it only to see his or her attitude and effort become negatively affected over time. That athlete turns into a selfish teammate.
Now let’s put yourself in the situation where your child comes home after a game after not playing. What do you say?
The first thing you could do is talk about the game itself. Recount certain plays and make note of individuals who played well for both teams. This initial conversation takes the uncomfortable nature of the situation and sets the stage to talk about how athletes feel about not getting into the game.
There may be times when your child will not want to talk about it because he or she is upset, angry or even embarrassed. These moments of silence give the parents an opportunity to talk about the importance of being a good teammate and how an athlete can have a major impact on the team no matter what role is played. They can teach how to be the first person off the bench to congratulate or give a word of encouragement to teammates. Parents also can point out that the harder athletes work in practice, the better it is going to make the team.
In other words, we have the responsibility as parents to teach our kids the significance of living life pointed out no matter the circumstance. Living pointed out simply means to put others before yourself in everything you do. Finding ways to make the people around you the best they can be. No complaining. No excuses.
Andrew DeWitt played two years of Varsity basketball for me at Hudsonville, and he rarely had the opportunity to play. Unfortunately for him, he was a good player on two really good teams with lots of talent. He understood his role and treated practices like games – playing as hard as he could.
He would elevate the intensity of practice every day. On game nights, he was our biggest cheerleader. His impact went way beyond scoring points or getting rebounds.
Andrew’s parents were great teachers as they guided him through those tough times where it would have been easy to make an excuse or complain. Instead, they taught Andrew he could always have an influence on other people’s lives despite the role he played. What a great lesson that Andrew can carry with him for the rest of his life.
At the end of the day, one thing every parent in every situation can say that will have a positive impact is, “I love you.” Many times athletes think they are letting their parents down because of their lack of playing time. Knowing that their parents love them the same whether they play a lot or not at all has a significant impact on how the student-athlete responds to adversity, and specifically not playing in games.
I challenge all parents to use these potentially negative situations as a way to teach student-athletes valuable lessons on what it means to be a great teammate – and more importantly in teaching them to live their life pointed out. There may not be a simple six-word phrase to say when your child does not play, but there is definitely plenty to talk about.
Wolma has served as Hudsonville's athletic director since 2011 and previously coached boys varsity basketball and girls varsity golf among other teams. He also previously taught physical education and health.
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NFHS Voice: Lights Signal Thanks, Hope
April 24, 2020
By Karissa Niehoff
NFHS Executive Director
The closing of schools and the cancelling of spring activities is a disappointing end to high school for this year’s senior class. However, there is still reason for optimism.
We anticipate that senior athletes and activity participants in the class of 2020 will move on to the highest of leadership roles in their chosen professions in the years to come.
Prior to this year, these seniors have accrued the general benefits of high school sports and other activity programs in which students learn self-discipline, build self-confidence and develop skills for practical situations – teamwork, fair play and hard work. Not to mention that many have higher grade-point averages, better attendance records and are set for a higher success rate in their chosen careers.
Seniors in this year’s class, however, will be among the toughest graduates ever as their lives have been the bookends to two of the worst tragedies in our nation’s history. Born sometime during the 2001-02 school year, which began with the horrific events of September 11, 2001, these resilient 2020 graduates had an abrupt ending to their high school days with the ongoing national health crisis.
Understanding their disappointment of not getting to compete this spring, people from coast to coast are expressing their support for these high school students.
With an idea apparently born in Texas, further developed in Colorado and supported by many others during the past several weeks, lights at high school stadiums throughout the country have been brightening the night-time skies. The #BeALight hashtag accompanies post after post of schools participating in this recognition of seniors who are missing their final season of high school sports or performing arts.
In some cases, the lights come on at 8:20 (20:20 in military time) and glow for 20 minutes, 20 seconds – a connection to the 2020 spring season at hand. Currently, 38 states have officially cancelled spring sports and activities due to the COVID-19 pandemic, and it is likely more will follow.
Among the traditional spring sports of track & field, baseball, softball, lacrosse, tennis and golf, almost three million girls and boys will be affected by this shutdown, including upward of one million seniors.
These lights have been turned on to say thanks to those seniors and to let them know they will be missed. Their contributions to high school activity programs will be remembered forever, and the benefits they received will guide them throughout their chosen careers.
Electric bills notwithstanding, perhaps these lights can burn for 20 minutes every night until the games return later this year. The lights signify hope – a hope that these lights will burn again this fall to showcase high school sports and performing arts.
While the timing of the return of high school sports and activities will rest with each state high school association in consultation with local governments and state health officials, the positive impact on communities nationwide will be tremendous. Once all the critical medical precautions have been addressed, high school sports and performing arts could take center stage once again. Although it is still too early to forecast the return of high school sports, its impact could be extraordinary.
With the loss of many non-school and club sport opportunities due to financial issues, high school sports and performing arts could fill an even larger void in the lives of our nation’s youth. And we look forward to that time ahead when student-athletes are on the field and fans are in the stands. Be safe. Stay healthy.
Dr. Karissa L. Niehoff is in her second year as executive director of the National Federation of State High School Associations (NFHS) in Indianapolis, Indiana. She is the first female to head the national leadership organization for high school athletics and performing arts activities and the sixth full-time executive director of the NFHS, which celebrated its 100th year of service during the 2018-19 school year. She previously was executive director of the Connecticut Association of Schools-Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference for seven years.