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After the Game: What do you say?
April 20, 2017
By Kevin Wolma
Hudsonville Athletic Director
“I love to watch you play.” Those are the six words a son or daughter wants to hear from his or her parents after a game.
What if your child does not play? What do you say then? Parents can’t say, “I love to watch you play” when your child does not play, nor can they say other post-competition statements like:
“Did you fight like a dog?”
“Did you have fun?”
It is hard to fight like a dog when not given the opportunity, and we all know players have more fun when they play in the game. When you google the phrase, “what to say after a game,” there are all sorts of articles written with some of them backed by research. However, when you google the phrase – “what to say when your kid does not play” – very little comes out of that search.
Why?
This is a hard and very sensitive area for most parents to come up with the right thing to say.
Before we talk about what to say in this situation, it may be more important to discuss what not to say after a game where your child does not play. Some of the comments all parents should avoid are:
“Why have you not played in the last three games? Your coach must not like you for some reason.”
“Your coach is clueless; he has no idea what he is doing.”
“You are way better than Johnny! I can’t believe he is playing more minutes than you.”
“Did you see how many mistakes Suzie made? I know if you were given the opportunity you would not make those same mistakes.”
Parents will often say these things because they are frustrated, and parents think they are comforting their child by giving them an excuse. What these comments actually do is create a divisive culture within a team. After hearing these negative comments over and over again, the athlete will eventually believe it only to see his or her attitude and effort become negatively affected over time. That athlete turns into a selfish teammate.
Now let’s put yourself in the situation where your child comes home after a game after not playing. What do you say?
The first thing you could do is talk about the game itself. Recount certain plays and make note of individuals who played well for both teams. This initial conversation takes the uncomfortable nature of the situation and sets the stage to talk about how athletes feel about not getting into the game.
There may be times when your child will not want to talk about it because he or she is upset, angry or even embarrassed. These moments of silence give the parents an opportunity to talk about the importance of being a good teammate and how an athlete can have a major impact on the team no matter what role is played. They can teach how to be the first person off the bench to congratulate or give a word of encouragement to teammates. Parents also can point out that the harder athletes work in practice, the better it is going to make the team.
In other words, we have the responsibility as parents to teach our kids the significance of living life pointed out no matter the circumstance. Living pointed out simply means to put others before yourself in everything you do. Finding ways to make the people around you the best they can be. No complaining. No excuses.
Andrew DeWitt played two years of Varsity basketball for me at Hudsonville, and he rarely had the opportunity to play. Unfortunately for him, he was a good player on two really good teams with lots of talent. He understood his role and treated practices like games – playing as hard as he could.
He would elevate the intensity of practice every day. On game nights, he was our biggest cheerleader. His impact went way beyond scoring points or getting rebounds.
Andrew’s parents were great teachers as they guided him through those tough times where it would have been easy to make an excuse or complain. Instead, they taught Andrew he could always have an influence on other people’s lives despite the role he played. What a great lesson that Andrew can carry with him for the rest of his life.
At the end of the day, one thing every parent in every situation can say that will have a positive impact is, “I love you.” Many times athletes think they are letting their parents down because of their lack of playing time. Knowing that their parents love them the same whether they play a lot or not at all has a significant impact on how the student-athlete responds to adversity, and specifically not playing in games.
I challenge all parents to use these potentially negative situations as a way to teach student-athletes valuable lessons on what it means to be a great teammate – and more importantly in teaching them to live their life pointed out. There may not be a simple six-word phrase to say when your child does not play, but there is definitely plenty to talk about.
Wolma has served as Hudsonville's athletic director since 2011 and previously coached boys varsity basketball and girls varsity golf among other teams. He also previously taught physical education and health.
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NFHS Voice: Good Time to Appreciate Officials
April 9, 2020
By Karissa Niehoff
NFHS Executive Director
During this shutdown of normal life in our nation, we are learning to deal with a new challenge – how to handle the unexpected time on our hands at home. Simply keeping up with the days of the week is a major accomplishment!
While we anxiously await the re-opening of schools and a return of high school sports and performing arts, this down time can be used in positive ways to take advantage of educational opportunities. And kudos to some individuals who already are seizing those opportunities – men and women who officiate high school sports.
Two weeks ago, we began to offer the 11 officiating courses on the NFHS Learning Center free of charge, and the response has been nothing short of amazing. By the end of March – merely a week into this new opportunity – more than 5,200 courses had been taken.
In addition to veteran officials fine-tuning techniques in one or more of the seven sports featured in these courses, this has been a great opportunity for individuals interested in officiating to take a free course to determine their interest level.
Those of us in leadership positions are so appreciative of these individuals who give freely of their free time to officiate high school sports or adjudicate music contests. We would suggest that everyone – student-athletes, coaches, parents and other fans – use this down time to do the same.
At various times this year before the shutdown of schools, officials have been the victim of verbal and physical abuse. Inappropriate behavior by parents and other fans was causing officials to quit before they even reached two years on the job.
And yet, in the past three years, more than 35,000 individuals have signed up to become officials through the NFHS’ #BecomeAnOfficial campaign and 5,200 courses that have been taken in the past couple of weeks by men and women who want to give back to high school sports. These are good signs more people will continue to be involved in officiating when the games return.
But what about the parents and other fans in the stands? Will their behavior be changed upon return? The conclusion of the New Mexico Activities Association’s state basketball tournament last month provided an interesting perspective on the impact of fans to the atmosphere at high school sporting events.
After completing the first two days of its state tournament with fans in the stands, the NMAA conducted the final three days without fans because of concerns about the spread of the COVID-19 virus. Dana Pappas, commissioner of officials for the NMAA, noted the following about the final three days of competition:
“Officials would make a call and if coaches had a question about it, they asked – calmly and respectfully. In huddles during time-outs, coaches just talked to their players, without raised voices. The behavior of coaches on the sidelines from Thursday through Saturday was in stark contrast to what we witnessed on Tuesday and Wednesday. Perhaps they did not feel the need to be overly emotional for the benefit of their fans.
“My hope is that the absence of sport throughout the world gives us all a moment to gain perspective and do a ‘gut check’ as to the kind of fans we are at contests. If the quality of the game is unchanged (or even better) without fans there to scream at the coaches, officials and players, then is that behavior really necessary when the games resume?”
The message here is that while the games can continue without fans, the ideal situation is for stands full of fans positively cheering for their teams.
Dr. Karissa L. Niehoff is in her second year as executive director of the National Federation of State High School Associations (NFHS) in Indianapolis, Indiana. She is the first female to head the national leadership organization for high school athletics and performing arts activities and the sixth full-time executive director of the NFHS, which celebrated its 100th year of service during the 2018-19 school year. She previously was executive director of the Connecticut Association of Schools-Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference for seven years.