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After the Game: What do you say?
April 20, 2017
By Kevin Wolma
Hudsonville Athletic Director
“I love to watch you play.” Those are the six words a son or daughter wants to hear from his or her parents after a game.
What if your child does not play? What do you say then? Parents can’t say, “I love to watch you play” when your child does not play, nor can they say other post-competition statements like:
“Did you fight like a dog?”
“Did you have fun?”
It is hard to fight like a dog when not given the opportunity, and we all know players have more fun when they play in the game. When you google the phrase, “what to say after a game,” there are all sorts of articles written with some of them backed by research. However, when you google the phrase – “what to say when your kid does not play” – very little comes out of that search.
Why?
This is a hard and very sensitive area for most parents to come up with the right thing to say.
Before we talk about what to say in this situation, it may be more important to discuss what not to say after a game where your child does not play. Some of the comments all parents should avoid are:
“Why have you not played in the last three games? Your coach must not like you for some reason.”
“Your coach is clueless; he has no idea what he is doing.”
“You are way better than Johnny! I can’t believe he is playing more minutes than you.”
“Did you see how many mistakes Suzie made? I know if you were given the opportunity you would not make those same mistakes.”
Parents will often say these things because they are frustrated, and parents think they are comforting their child by giving them an excuse. What these comments actually do is create a divisive culture within a team. After hearing these negative comments over and over again, the athlete will eventually believe it only to see his or her attitude and effort become negatively affected over time. That athlete turns into a selfish teammate.
Now let’s put yourself in the situation where your child comes home after a game after not playing. What do you say?
The first thing you could do is talk about the game itself. Recount certain plays and make note of individuals who played well for both teams. This initial conversation takes the uncomfortable nature of the situation and sets the stage to talk about how athletes feel about not getting into the game.
There may be times when your child will not want to talk about it because he or she is upset, angry or even embarrassed. These moments of silence give the parents an opportunity to talk about the importance of being a good teammate and how an athlete can have a major impact on the team no matter what role is played. They can teach how to be the first person off the bench to congratulate or give a word of encouragement to teammates. Parents also can point out that the harder athletes work in practice, the better it is going to make the team.
In other words, we have the responsibility as parents to teach our kids the significance of living life pointed out no matter the circumstance. Living pointed out simply means to put others before yourself in everything you do. Finding ways to make the people around you the best they can be. No complaining. No excuses.
Andrew DeWitt played two years of Varsity basketball for me at Hudsonville, and he rarely had the opportunity to play. Unfortunately for him, he was a good player on two really good teams with lots of talent. He understood his role and treated practices like games – playing as hard as he could.
He would elevate the intensity of practice every day. On game nights, he was our biggest cheerleader. His impact went way beyond scoring points or getting rebounds.
Andrew’s parents were great teachers as they guided him through those tough times where it would have been easy to make an excuse or complain. Instead, they taught Andrew he could always have an influence on other people’s lives despite the role he played. What a great lesson that Andrew can carry with him for the rest of his life.
At the end of the day, one thing every parent in every situation can say that will have a positive impact is, “I love you.” Many times athletes think they are letting their parents down because of their lack of playing time. Knowing that their parents love them the same whether they play a lot or not at all has a significant impact on how the student-athlete responds to adversity, and specifically not playing in games.
I challenge all parents to use these potentially negative situations as a way to teach student-athletes valuable lessons on what it means to be a great teammate – and more importantly in teaching them to live their life pointed out. There may not be a simple six-word phrase to say when your child does not play, but there is definitely plenty to talk about.
Wolma has served as Hudsonville's athletic director since 2011 and previously coached boys varsity basketball and girls varsity golf among other teams. He also previously taught physical education and health.
![Karissa Niehoff](/sites/default/files/2021-05/KarissaNiehoff_2H.jpg)
NFHS Voice: Regardless of Future Direction, Multiple Sports/Activities is Best Choice
By
Karissa Niehoff
NFHS Executive Director
May 7, 2021
The values of participating in high school activities – sports, speech and debate, music, theatre and other programs – are well-documented.
A majority of the 12 million-plus participants in education-based activities have higher grade-point averages, are more disciplined and self-confident. In addition, research indicates that participation in high school activities is often a predictor of later success – in college, a career and becoming a contributing member of society.
This past year, the importance of these activities was demonstrated further through the consequences that occurred when these programs suddenly were unavailable.
The social, emotional and mental health of students was affected. When sports and activities no longer were available, many students self-reported symptoms of depression and anxiety. With less physical activity and no involvement in these programs, there were state-reported higher incidences of youth suicide. The research is sobering, and the link between participation in activities and overall health has arguably never been so clear.
So, there is a hope that the expected return to full programming this fall will begin the healing process.
And, if the opportunity to play one sport or activity is a positive step, the chance for involvement in multiple sports or activities throughout the entire school year has untold benefits – for the majority of students who are involved in high school activities to compete with their friends for fun, as well as those who are hoping to play sports at higher levels.
For many students, the experience of playing on a high school team may be the most positive aspect of their lives, and the high school coach or director of a speech or music group may be the most positive role model they have.
So, the return of these activities in schools nationwide is crucial. These programs provide a welcoming place and a means for support, guidance and direction. And when one sport or activity season ends, students should be encouraged to become involved in another activity the next season. Students can also enjoy multiple activities concurrently, such as participating on a sports team while also belonging to a performing arts group.
In a recent article in High School Today magazine, counselors at a school in Delaware reported that the most successful students applying to college and for scholarships are those involved in multiple sports, band, debate and other activities.
In some cases, the opportunity to participate in activities is the chief motivator to attend classes, graduate from high school, obtain a job and begin a career. Playing multiple sports and/or being a part of multiple arts and activities keeps students engaged throughout the school year.
Playing multiple sports is also the best direction for the 3 to 5 percent of high school athletes who will play at the college level. Many parents believe for their son or daughter to earn a college scholarship, they have to specialize in one sport year-round. This is simply not true.
As opposed to playing one sport year-round, playing multiple sports often affords student-athletes a better chance of landing a college athletic scholarship or, for the most elite athletes, having their name called in the NFL or NBA draft.
Consider this year’s NFL draft. Of the 32 first-round draft picks, 27 played one additional sport other than football in high school, and 10 of the 32 played two other sports. Amazingly, one individual – Jaelan Phillips – played five sports (football, basketball, baseball, volleyball and track & field) at Redlands (California) High School.
The list of high-profile professional athletes who played multiple sports in high school rather than focusing on one sport year-round includes the likes of Patrick Mahomes, Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, Joe Mauer, Bo Jackson, Alex Rodriguez and John Elway among numerous others.
The advantages of playing multiple sports rather than specializing in one sport are numerous. Students who play multiple sports have a reduced risk of overuse injuries, are able to learn from multiple coaches, participate in cross-training which leads to better athleticism, have better mental development and teamwork skills, and have a reduced chance of burnout in sports.
A number of successful business men and women were highly involved in high school and college sports or performing arts as well. Meg Whitman, CEO of Hewlett-Packard, was the captain of her swimming team and also played lacrosse, tennis and basketball. Former Whole Foods CEO Walter Robb was the captain of the Stanford soccer team. Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan played rugby at Brown University.
Whether the goal is to participate in high school sports and activities to have fun with their peers, or to achieve a college athletic scholarship, or to be a lifelong participant, the best route to achieving a successful, healthy balance in life is to participate in multiple sports and other activities.
Dr. Karissa L. Niehoff is in her third year as executive director of the National Federation of State High School Associations (NFHS) in Indianapolis, Indiana. She is the first female to head the national leadership organization for high school athletics and performing arts activities and the sixth full-time executive director of the NFHS, which celebrated its 100th year of service during the 2018-19 school year. She previously was executive director of the Connecticut Association of Schools-Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference for seven years.