![](/sites/default/files/imported/Photos/170420_hug_2H.jpg)
After the Game: What do you say?
April 20, 2017
By Kevin Wolma
Hudsonville Athletic Director
“I love to watch you play.” Those are the six words a son or daughter wants to hear from his or her parents after a game.
What if your child does not play? What do you say then? Parents can’t say, “I love to watch you play” when your child does not play, nor can they say other post-competition statements like:
“Did you fight like a dog?”
“Did you have fun?”
It is hard to fight like a dog when not given the opportunity, and we all know players have more fun when they play in the game. When you google the phrase, “what to say after a game,” there are all sorts of articles written with some of them backed by research. However, when you google the phrase – “what to say when your kid does not play” – very little comes out of that search.
Why?
This is a hard and very sensitive area for most parents to come up with the right thing to say.
Before we talk about what to say in this situation, it may be more important to discuss what not to say after a game where your child does not play. Some of the comments all parents should avoid are:
“Why have you not played in the last three games? Your coach must not like you for some reason.”
“Your coach is clueless; he has no idea what he is doing.”
“You are way better than Johnny! I can’t believe he is playing more minutes than you.”
“Did you see how many mistakes Suzie made? I know if you were given the opportunity you would not make those same mistakes.”
Parents will often say these things because they are frustrated, and parents think they are comforting their child by giving them an excuse. What these comments actually do is create a divisive culture within a team. After hearing these negative comments over and over again, the athlete will eventually believe it only to see his or her attitude and effort become negatively affected over time. That athlete turns into a selfish teammate.
Now let’s put yourself in the situation where your child comes home after a game after not playing. What do you say?
The first thing you could do is talk about the game itself. Recount certain plays and make note of individuals who played well for both teams. This initial conversation takes the uncomfortable nature of the situation and sets the stage to talk about how athletes feel about not getting into the game.
There may be times when your child will not want to talk about it because he or she is upset, angry or even embarrassed. These moments of silence give the parents an opportunity to talk about the importance of being a good teammate and how an athlete can have a major impact on the team no matter what role is played. They can teach how to be the first person off the bench to congratulate or give a word of encouragement to teammates. Parents also can point out that the harder athletes work in practice, the better it is going to make the team.
In other words, we have the responsibility as parents to teach our kids the significance of living life pointed out no matter the circumstance. Living pointed out simply means to put others before yourself in everything you do. Finding ways to make the people around you the best they can be. No complaining. No excuses.
Andrew DeWitt played two years of Varsity basketball for me at Hudsonville, and he rarely had the opportunity to play. Unfortunately for him, he was a good player on two really good teams with lots of talent. He understood his role and treated practices like games – playing as hard as he could.
He would elevate the intensity of practice every day. On game nights, he was our biggest cheerleader. His impact went way beyond scoring points or getting rebounds.
Andrew’s parents were great teachers as they guided him through those tough times where it would have been easy to make an excuse or complain. Instead, they taught Andrew he could always have an influence on other people’s lives despite the role he played. What a great lesson that Andrew can carry with him for the rest of his life.
At the end of the day, one thing every parent in every situation can say that will have a positive impact is, “I love you.” Many times athletes think they are letting their parents down because of their lack of playing time. Knowing that their parents love them the same whether they play a lot or not at all has a significant impact on how the student-athlete responds to adversity, and specifically not playing in games.
I challenge all parents to use these potentially negative situations as a way to teach student-athletes valuable lessons on what it means to be a great teammate – and more importantly in teaching them to live their life pointed out. There may not be a simple six-word phrase to say when your child does not play, but there is definitely plenty to talk about.
Wolma has served as Hudsonville's athletic director since 2011 and previously coached boys varsity basketball and girls varsity golf among other teams. He also previously taught physical education and health.
![](/sites/default/files/imported/Photos/Daily/2019_NFHSVoice.jpg)
NFHS Voice: Source of HS Playing Rules
November 12, 2019
By Karissa Niehoff
NFHS Executive Director
When it comes to writing playing rules for major sports in the United States, it’s all in the acronyms. In football, you have the NFL, NCAA and NFHS. In basketball, it’s the NBA, NCAA and NFHS. In baseball, the rules-makers are MLB, NCAA and NFHS.
While the NFL, NBA, MLB and NCAA can be used on first reference without explanation, many people are unfamiliar with the NFHS. And yet the NFHS has been around as long – or longer – than the other four major sports organizations.
In many cases, references to NFHS rules – not only in these three major sports but the other 14 sports for which the organization writes rules – are simply noted as “high school rules.” The reality, however, is that the NFHS – the National Federation of State High School Associations – has been the national organization most directly focused on sports playing rules in the past 90 years since it published its first Football Rules Book in 1932.
With almost eight million participants in high school sports, NFHS rules are written for more individuals than all other levels of sports combined. As a result, risk minimization and the fundamentals of good sportsmanship are paramount to the rules-writing process for the NFHS and often are the distinguishing factors from rules at the higher levels of the sport.
Perhaps football is the best example of the commitment to risk minimization. In the mid-1970s, the NFHS was at the forefront of change when it outlawed spearing in high school football. The 1976 rule revision changed the landscape of high school football from an injury standpoint – from a high of 36 direct fatalities in 1968 to an average of about two per year by 2018.
Some people have questioned why there are multiple rules codes for a sport. Very simply, NFHS rules for high school play must be different than at the college and professional levels.
As an example, while professional baseball is concerned with how fast a baseball exits the batter’s box (Velocity Exit Speed) and how far the ball travels on a home run, the NFHS has enacted bat standards during the past 20 years to reduce the speed of balls coming off aluminum bats. In wrestling, the NFHS has enacted strict weight-management plans to reduce the risk of health issues. In ice hockey, while fighting is an accepted part of the sport at the professional level, NFHS rules have strict rules prohibiting all forms of unsportsmanlike conduct. In football, NFHS rules do not permit the excessive celebration displays following touchdowns that occur during NFL games.
In addition to risk minimization and sportsmanship, the NFHS must also weigh financial implications for schools when considering equipment and uniform changes. With schools ranging in size from less than 100 to more than 5,000 students, decisions must be made for the masses and cannot put undue financial hardships on schools.
NFHS rules are also written with the understanding that appropriate behavior begins with the coach, who is responsible for ensuring that his or her team exhibits good sporting behavior. Many penalties for unsportsmanlike conduct on the team are first directed against the coach.
While the NFHS and its member state associations govern the high school place in various sports – not only with playing rules but other issues as well – we maintain relationships with the National Governing Bodies (NGBs) in these sports to assist in meeting the needs of all participants.
Last week, the NFHS hosted a summit of various leaders of NGBs in Indianapolis. Leaders from about 15 NGBs were set to meet with NFHS staff to discuss various initiatives and opportunities for collaborative programs. We hope this is the first of many such meetings as it is crucial that all levels of sport work together to ensure ongoing opportunities for all sports participants.
Dr. Karissa L. Niehoff is in her second year as executive director of the National Federation of State High School Associations (NFHS) in Indianapolis, Indiana. She is the first female to head the national leadership organization for high school athletics and performing arts activities and the sixth full-time executive director of the NFHS, which celebrated its 100th year of service during the 2018-19 school year. She previously was executive director of the Connecticut Association of Schools-Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference for seven years.