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After the Game: What do you say?
April 20, 2017
By Kevin Wolma
Hudsonville Athletic Director
“I love to watch you play.” Those are the six words a son or daughter wants to hear from his or her parents after a game.
What if your child does not play? What do you say then? Parents can’t say, “I love to watch you play” when your child does not play, nor can they say other post-competition statements like:
“Did you fight like a dog?”
“Did you have fun?”
It is hard to fight like a dog when not given the opportunity, and we all know players have more fun when they play in the game. When you google the phrase, “what to say after a game,” there are all sorts of articles written with some of them backed by research. However, when you google the phrase – “what to say when your kid does not play” – very little comes out of that search.
Why?
This is a hard and very sensitive area for most parents to come up with the right thing to say.
Before we talk about what to say in this situation, it may be more important to discuss what not to say after a game where your child does not play. Some of the comments all parents should avoid are:
“Why have you not played in the last three games? Your coach must not like you for some reason.”
“Your coach is clueless; he has no idea what he is doing.”
“You are way better than Johnny! I can’t believe he is playing more minutes than you.”
“Did you see how many mistakes Suzie made? I know if you were given the opportunity you would not make those same mistakes.”
Parents will often say these things because they are frustrated, and parents think they are comforting their child by giving them an excuse. What these comments actually do is create a divisive culture within a team. After hearing these negative comments over and over again, the athlete will eventually believe it only to see his or her attitude and effort become negatively affected over time. That athlete turns into a selfish teammate.
Now let’s put yourself in the situation where your child comes home after a game after not playing. What do you say?
The first thing you could do is talk about the game itself. Recount certain plays and make note of individuals who played well for both teams. This initial conversation takes the uncomfortable nature of the situation and sets the stage to talk about how athletes feel about not getting into the game.
There may be times when your child will not want to talk about it because he or she is upset, angry or even embarrassed. These moments of silence give the parents an opportunity to talk about the importance of being a good teammate and how an athlete can have a major impact on the team no matter what role is played. They can teach how to be the first person off the bench to congratulate or give a word of encouragement to teammates. Parents also can point out that the harder athletes work in practice, the better it is going to make the team.
In other words, we have the responsibility as parents to teach our kids the significance of living life pointed out no matter the circumstance. Living pointed out simply means to put others before yourself in everything you do. Finding ways to make the people around you the best they can be. No complaining. No excuses.
Andrew DeWitt played two years of Varsity basketball for me at Hudsonville, and he rarely had the opportunity to play. Unfortunately for him, he was a good player on two really good teams with lots of talent. He understood his role and treated practices like games – playing as hard as he could.
He would elevate the intensity of practice every day. On game nights, he was our biggest cheerleader. His impact went way beyond scoring points or getting rebounds.
Andrew’s parents were great teachers as they guided him through those tough times where it would have been easy to make an excuse or complain. Instead, they taught Andrew he could always have an influence on other people’s lives despite the role he played. What a great lesson that Andrew can carry with him for the rest of his life.
At the end of the day, one thing every parent in every situation can say that will have a positive impact is, “I love you.” Many times athletes think they are letting their parents down because of their lack of playing time. Knowing that their parents love them the same whether they play a lot or not at all has a significant impact on how the student-athlete responds to adversity, and specifically not playing in games.
I challenge all parents to use these potentially negative situations as a way to teach student-athletes valuable lessons on what it means to be a great teammate – and more importantly in teaching them to live their life pointed out. There may not be a simple six-word phrase to say when your child does not play, but there is definitely plenty to talk about.
Wolma has served as Hudsonville's athletic director since 2011 and previously coached boys varsity basketball and girls varsity golf among other teams. He also previously taught physical education and health.
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NFHS Voice: Multi-Sport Paves QB's Way
February 10, 2020
By Karissa Niehoff
NFHS Executive Director
On football’s grandest stage earlier this month, its latest star attraction not only delivered another virtuoso performance but demonstrated the best career path to success.
In leading the Kansas City Chiefs to victory in Super Bowl LIV, quarterback Patrick Mahomes brought to an end another tremendous year of football at all levels and became the latest – and perhaps best – example of the benefits of playing multiple sports during high school.
In the week prior to the Super Bowl, Mahomes talked about his ascension to the top of the football world. Despite the opportunity to focus solely on baseball as his father had done, Mahomes rejected sport specialization. Instead, he spoke about how playing multiple sports in high school paved the way for his success.
The top performer on the grandest stage of the sport, Mahomes made it to the top of the football mountain by NOT playing football year-round. Had he chosen to specialize in one sport during his high school days in east Texas, Mahomes might never had made it to NFL since, as he noted in the week prior to the Super Bowl, he was “a baseball player that was playing football.”
Mahomes believes the skills he learned as a shortstop in baseball and as a point guard in basketball helped him more as a quarterback on the football field than if he had chosen to devote his entire energies to football.
His uncanny ability to throw passes from various angles unlike any of today’s perfect-form pocket quarterbacks? He gained those skills on the baseball field. His ability to throw lasers to his intended receivers without looking? He learned those skills on the basketball court at Whitehouse High School in Texas.
His trek to the top of the football world supports our belief that playing multiple sports within the education-based structure – as opposed to a single-sport focus in a non-school program – is the best route to future success.
Mahomes experienced the benefits of playing multiple sports – better leadership and teamwork skills from cross-training, reduced risk of burnout in one sport, a variety of experiences from involvement with different sports and teams, reduced risk of overuse injuries in one sport and exposure to a variety of coaching styles.
Many parents believe that in order for their son or daughter to earn a college scholarship and eventually play at the professional level, they have to specialize in one sport year-round. This pattern has led to the proliferation of non-school programs and coaches, many of which stray from the education-based focus of high school sports.
While there are a few who achieve elite status in a sport, the majority of people who participate do not. We believe the multiple-sport path demonstrated by Mahomes is the best route to attaining athletic success and lifelong enjoyment of sports.
Dr. Karissa L. Niehoff is in her second year as executive director of the National Federation of State High School Associations (NFHS) in Indianapolis, Indiana. She is the first female to head the national leadership organization for high school athletics and performing arts activities and the sixth full-time executive director of the NFHS, which celebrated its 100th year of service during the 2018-19 school year. She previously was executive director of the Connecticut Association of Schools-Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference for seven years.