After the Game: What do you say?
April 20, 2017
By Kevin Wolma
Hudsonville Athletic Director
“I love to watch you play.” Those are the six words a son or daughter wants to hear from his or her parents after a game.
What if your child does not play? What do you say then? Parents can’t say, “I love to watch you play” when your child does not play, nor can they say other post-competition statements like:
“Did you fight like a dog?”
“Did you have fun?”
It is hard to fight like a dog when not given the opportunity, and we all know players have more fun when they play in the game. When you google the phrase, “what to say after a game,” there are all sorts of articles written with some of them backed by research. However, when you google the phrase – “what to say when your kid does not play” – very little comes out of that search.
Why?
This is a hard and very sensitive area for most parents to come up with the right thing to say.
Before we talk about what to say in this situation, it may be more important to discuss what not to say after a game where your child does not play. Some of the comments all parents should avoid are:
“Why have you not played in the last three games? Your coach must not like you for some reason.”
“Your coach is clueless; he has no idea what he is doing.”
“You are way better than Johnny! I can’t believe he is playing more minutes than you.”
“Did you see how many mistakes Suzie made? I know if you were given the opportunity you would not make those same mistakes.”
Parents will often say these things because they are frustrated, and parents think they are comforting their child by giving them an excuse. What these comments actually do is create a divisive culture within a team. After hearing these negative comments over and over again, the athlete will eventually believe it only to see his or her attitude and effort become negatively affected over time. That athlete turns into a selfish teammate.
Now let’s put yourself in the situation where your child comes home after a game after not playing. What do you say?
The first thing you could do is talk about the game itself. Recount certain plays and make note of individuals who played well for both teams. This initial conversation takes the uncomfortable nature of the situation and sets the stage to talk about how athletes feel about not getting into the game.
There may be times when your child will not want to talk about it because he or she is upset, angry or even embarrassed. These moments of silence give the parents an opportunity to talk about the importance of being a good teammate and how an athlete can have a major impact on the team no matter what role is played. They can teach how to be the first person off the bench to congratulate or give a word of encouragement to teammates. Parents also can point out that the harder athletes work in practice, the better it is going to make the team.
In other words, we have the responsibility as parents to teach our kids the significance of living life pointed out no matter the circumstance. Living pointed out simply means to put others before yourself in everything you do. Finding ways to make the people around you the best they can be. No complaining. No excuses.
Andrew DeWitt played two years of Varsity basketball for me at Hudsonville, and he rarely had the opportunity to play. Unfortunately for him, he was a good player on two really good teams with lots of talent. He understood his role and treated practices like games – playing as hard as he could.
He would elevate the intensity of practice every day. On game nights, he was our biggest cheerleader. His impact went way beyond scoring points or getting rebounds.
Andrew’s parents were great teachers as they guided him through those tough times where it would have been easy to make an excuse or complain. Instead, they taught Andrew he could always have an influence on other people’s lives despite the role he played. What a great lesson that Andrew can carry with him for the rest of his life.
At the end of the day, one thing every parent in every situation can say that will have a positive impact is, “I love you.” Many times athletes think they are letting their parents down because of their lack of playing time. Knowing that their parents love them the same whether they play a lot or not at all has a significant impact on how the student-athlete responds to adversity, and specifically not playing in games.
I challenge all parents to use these potentially negative situations as a way to teach student-athletes valuable lessons on what it means to be a great teammate – and more importantly in teaching them to live their life pointed out. There may not be a simple six-word phrase to say when your child does not play, but there is definitely plenty to talk about.
Wolma has served as Hudsonville's athletic director since 2011 and previously coached boys varsity basketball and girls varsity golf among other teams. He also previously taught physical education and health.
NFHS Voice: Participants Show Resilience
September 28, 2020
By Karissa Niehoff
NFHS Executive Director
The resiliency of players, coaches and leaders in high school activity programs the past seven months has been amazing. As attempts continue to offer all sports and performing arts this year, these individuals are making the most of tough times and demonstrating great resolve to change.
No doubt, high school juniors and seniors involved in high school sports and performing arts would have preferred a less turbulent end to their high school days, but many have been willing to go to great lengths to have an opportunity to participate.
In Michigan, when football was initially moved to the spring, student-athletes had two choices: be upset that their sport was postponed or seize the moment and look for new opportunities. Royce Daugherty of Watervliet High School chose the latter.
A 6-foot-3, 300-pound two-way starter last year as a freshman on the Watervliet football team, Daugherty opted to join the cross country team! He said he decided to run cross country because it would help him get tougher mentally and physically.
Daugherty’s decision was perhaps predictable given that he played four sports – football, wrestling, basketball and baseball – as a freshman. Although the switch was short-lived with Michigan reinstating football a couple of weeks ago, Daugherty’s resilience is remarkable and a good predictor of future success.
In Colorado, with football on hold this fall, members of the Limon High School two-time defending Class 1A state football championship team petitioned the school administration to resurrect the golf program.
“Sports are our lifeline,” said Andy Love, the school’s baseball coach who agreed to coach the golf team, in an article posted on CHSAANow. “Our community follows our sports so strongly. It gives our kids this great atmosphere and environment whether it’s the football field, the basketball court or whatever. Our community rallies around our kids.”
Turning a problem into an opportunity, the Limon High School football players and staff demonstrated the never-give-up spirit of high school activities.
In Kansas, with the heading of “the show must go on,” the Goodland High School athletic director and superintendent stepped in to coach the football team a few weeks ago because the head coach and assistant coach were quarantined during the week. The result? Goodland, a Class 3A school, defeated Liberal High School, a Class 5A school!
Coaches have demonstrated resiliency as well by finding new ways to conduct competition and keep students engaged. In Minnesota, at a swimming meet between Chaska High School and Bloomington Kennedy High School, Chaska swimmers occupied lanes 1 to 4, while Kennedy swimmers were in lanes 5 to 8 for social distancing purposes.
In the same state, the South Suburban Conference decided to conduct virtual swim meets this fall. Each team competes in 11 races in their own pool, and the coaches compare times to determine scoring. Two methods in the same state, both done to keep students engaged but to minimize risks of the virus.
On the performing arts side, teachers and leaders have benefited from an aerosol study conducted by the NFHS and more than 125 other organizations to determine best practices. In some cases, band and other music programs were moved to the spring, but leaders continued to engage with students in many innovative ways.
Larry Friend, assistant principal of Caesar Rodney High School in Camden, Delaware, in a Dover Post article, told his students, “This is not the time to put the instruments aside. This is not the time to stop singing. This is not the time to run away from your passion. This is an opportunity to run toward your passion and to find what it is that motivates you to reconnect.”
Band directors in Michigan – like those in many other states – are finding new ways to keep music going during the pandemic – from outdoor band camps to all-virtual rehearsals.
“We have some really incredible band directors doing some really neat things locally,” said Josh Bartz, director of bands at Portage Northern High School in an interview with WWMT-TV in Kalamazoo.
In the same interview, Chris Ludwa, assistant professor of music at Kalamazoo College, said, “I think you will always find ways to make art. Oftentimes, when in society there is deep need, deep pain, struggle, oppression – that’s the time when art flourishes.”
These are but a few of the great stories that have occurred across the country as players, coaches, administrators, officials, parents and fans are making the most of tough times. While these student participants may not become stellar athletes at the next level or excel at higher levels in the arts, their resiliency through these tough times will play a major role in their future success.
High school activity programs – building resilient people for the future of our nation.
Dr. Karissa L. Niehoff is starting her third year as executive director of the National Federation of State High School Associations (NFHS) in Indianapolis, Indiana. She is the first female to head the national leadership organization for high school athletics and performing arts activities and the sixth full-time executive director of the NFHS, which celebrated its 100th year of service during the 2018-19 school year. She previously was executive director of the Connecticut Association of Schools-Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference for seven years.