Strategize for First Parent Meeting
November 12, 2014
By Scott Westfall
Coaches often cite parents as one of the most uncontrollable and frustrating aspects of coaching.
Let’s face it, when this relationship goes south, there can be pent-up frustration and hard feelings between the two parties which can result in a negative experience for everyone involved – especially the player who often is caught in the middle.
Establishing positive relationships with parents should happen from the moment you stand in front of them at your annual parent meeting.
Throughout this meeting parents will be asking themselves: “Can I trust this coach with my child?” “Will this coach be fair in his/her decisions?” and “Will this coach always have my child’s best intentions in mind?”
In order to put them at ease, you must do everything possible to establish yourself as a person of integrity who is altruistic and 100 percent trustworthy. Below is a coaching checklist that will help you establish trust and credibility with your team’s parents:
- Transparency – Do things openly and share information as much as possible. If something bad happens on your team, be sure that you do not sweep it under the rug. Be open and consistent with your decisions, and always follow through on what you say you are going to do.
- Demonstrate Respect – Be polite and sincere with parents and let your actions show that you care. Sometimes the little things you do will resonate louder than the big things.
- List Expectations – Have high expectations for the conduct of both the players and parents in your program. List these expectations, distribute them, and then talk about them with the parents. Meanwhile, let them know what they can expect from you in return (proper dress attire, appropriate language, great sportsmanship, impeccable conduct, proper treatment of game officials, etc.).
- Express Loyalty – As often as possible, be sure to praise your players, assistants, and the people associated with your program. Be sure that you never take credit for other people’s work, and remember to use the word “we” as often as possible.
- Be Accountable – This means taking the blame for bad results– even when it wasn’t necessarily your mistake. Admitting when something goes wrong on your watch doesn’t mean that you are a bad coach or you’ve lost control of your program. True leaders are accountable for the mistakes that happen in their programs.
- Deliver Results – This is not necessarily wins and losses. Instead, deliver results on the things that really matter, such as developing a respectable team, coaching players with all passing grades and having players who do not get into trouble or break the law.
No parent meeting would be complete without a healthy dose of paperwork. To make it easier for parents to keep these papers organized, try to color-coordinate the forms and go over them slowly one at a time. Below are the basic documents you should supply at the parent meeting (Note: Try to also have these documents accessible on your team’s website):
- Coaching Philosophy – Drafting a coaching philosophy will allow parents to better understand who you are and the reasons why you coach. In this document, be sure to include your fundamental beliefs along with your personal approach to coaching. (Note: Be honest in this section – Do not advertise yourself as one type of coach, but then act like another.) Include a lot of “I statements” such as, “I coach for the purpose of teaching life lessons,” “I believe that student comes before athlete,” and, “I am demanding but never demeaning.” Developing and drafting a coaching philosophy not only gives parents insight into you and your program, but also gives you an opportunity to reflect upon why you do things the way you do.
- Team Policies – This is perhaps the most important document you will distribute to your team’s parents. It should list all team rules pertaining to player conduct, grades, eligibility, attendance, discipline, communication, and of course playing time! Include statements such as, “Playing time is earned – not given,” “All decisions will be made based on what is best for the team,” and, “If you have a problem, please talk to the coach.” Inform parents that student-athletes will receive equal opportunities but not equal things. These opportunities include instruction, off-season strength and conditioning programs, and support for their classes. How well student-athletes take advantage of these opportunities (attendance, focus, effort, attitude, and self-discipline) often dictates their levels of success. (Note: Before distributing this document, make sure that your school’s administration/athletic director supports your team policies 100 percent).
- Student-Athlete Character Contract – While many schools have had an athletic code of conduct in place for years, teams today are including an additional written set of norms for players to follow. A character contract outlines how players agree to conduct themselves as a person, student, and athlete. If you want to create more buy-in, consider drafting this contract each season with your players!
- Parent Pledge Form – This document establishes the expectations you have for the parents in your program. Be sure that you include expectations for their conduct at games, having a positive disposition around the team, the treatment of players on your team along with the treatment of your opponents, letting the coaches coach, and how to act toward game officials.
- Team Calendar – Be sure to include detailed information on the times and locations of all practices, team events, games, and places that players need to be. If changes are made to the team calendar throughout the course of the season, be sure you inform parents through several forms of communication (a printed note sent home, an announcement on the team website, email list, social media, etc.).
- Athletic Physicals – While most doctors’ offices have a copy of these blank forms on hand, it is convenient for parents to have access to them through your school.
- Athletic Fees (if you are in a “pay for play” district) – Some districts have a mandatory athletic participation fee, while other districts do not. Some districts have a waiver form for students who are on free/reduced lunch. In any of these cases, make sure that you are on top of this information so you can properly inform your team’s parents at the meeting.
- Conflict Resolution – The occasional conflict is almost inevitable while working in an emotionally charged environment such as athletics. However, conflicts can often be avoided or at least more easily resolved through proper forms of communication.
1. Inform parents that you are always willing to listen to their concerns; let them know that you would prefer they address an issue with you, rather than taking their frustrations to the next game and venting to anybody in the bleachers who is willing to listen.
2. In in your team documents consider a statement such as, “The best tool we have in our relationship is an open line of communication. My door is always open, and so is my mind.”
3. Finally, be sure to let them know that if they are upset about something to not send it through email. Email is good for information, but not communication. Try to communicate and resolve conflicts in person as much as possible.
Once you have established trust and credibility with your team’s parents, you can start building the relationship. Caution: Building a relationship with your team’s parents is not developing close friendships with them. Becoming close friends with parents can actually lead to bigger problems as you open yourself to criticism of playing favorites.
Instead, build working relationships, generated through mutual respect and understanding for each other’s position in the quest of helping the young individual become a successful student-athlete. These working relationships help parents understand their optimal level of involvement, such as where and how they can fit into your program. Below are some tips for building working relationships with parents:
- Learn their names and where they work.
- Learn what the family likes to do when they are outside of the school setting.
- Invite them to a team event such as a team picnic, fundraiser, or team trip.
- Ask parents for help with certain jobs. Many parents appreciate being asked to help with team functions as it gives them an opportunity to get to know other parents and makes them feel like they matter.
- Call them at least once per season to say hello, report on their child’s progress, and ask if there is anything you can do to be of assistance.
- Offer additional support for their child. Helping the student-athlete outside of coaching with things such as academics and typical teen issues shows that you care.
- Offer support to the parents as well. If they are struggling to get a message across to their child, oftentimes a coach sending or reinforcing the same message makes all the difference. As a coach you hold a powerful platform with your student-athletes; use it to help with their development and maturity whenever possible.
Establishing yourself as a trustworthy and credible coach is the first step in getting parents to buy into your program. Meanwhile, providing parents with sufficient information will help them feel like you are keeping them informed and want them as a partner in your program.
Creating working relationships with parents takes time, but will be the cornerstone in establishing a positive experience for the years their children are involved with your program. While some parents may have a different background or mindset, listing your expectations will help them better understand your team’s culture and how they can fit in. If done right, these positive working relationships should alleviate much of your coaching frustration and pay tremendous dividends in the future.
Scott Westfall previously spent 10 years as a teacher, coach, and athletic director in Fort Collins, Colo. He currently is working on his Doctorate at Michigan State University, with an emphasis in Sport Psychology and Athletic Administration, and assisting the MHSAA with its student leadership programs. Westfall is a former athlete who participated in football, wrestling, tennis and cross country at the high school level, and rugby at the collegiate level. He can be reached at [email protected].
Championship Team Builder Ingalls Named WISL Honoree
By
Geoff Kimmerly
MHSAA.com senior editor
March 22, 2021
Krista Clement played for high-caliber basketball programs at St. Ignace High School and University of Michigan. Then, after a few years of teaching, she decided to start her own team.
In 2013, Clement founded Helper Helper – a digital platform that provides tracking and coordination for community service efforts across the country and counts the NCAA among partners.
At first, Clement’s team was a team of one – herself. But as she started to build the company, her thoughts turned to her high school coach Dorene Ingalls – one of the most successful team builders in MHSAA history.
“Although we aren’t playing basketball on the Helper team, so much of what I do was through what I’ve learned from Dorene’s leadership,” Clement said. “My attempt to create a culture on my team – similar to a Saints basketball team – has come from Dorene. I now find myself trying to connect with my team the way Dorene connected with me – making my teammates feel valued and inspired to put their best foot forward every day.”
Over the last 22 years, Ingalls has built one of the most respected high school basketball programs in Michigan and become one of the most successful coaches in MHSAA history. She also has been one of the state’s most impactful advocates for girls basketball, and a presence in her adopted hometown that literally earned her the title of “ambassador” from the local chamber of commerce.
To celebrate her many and continuing contributions, Ingalls has been named the 34th recipient of the MHSAA Women In Sports Leadership Award, presented annually by the MHSAA’s Representative Council to “women coaches, officials and athletic administrators affiliated with the MHSAA who show exemplary leadership capabilities and positive contributions to athletics.”
And as with Clement, those contributions continue impacting many long after graduation.
“To have the confidence to overcome when people say you can’t do something,” Ingalls said, boiling down what she’s hoped to pass on over two decades. “We still always are like the ‘Hoosiers’ coming down (to a state championship game) – we go with that flow a little bit. We’re not going under the radar too often, but usually we don’t have as many DI (college) people as the teams we play. We try to make sure (our athletes learn) that hard work, dedication, positive attitude and don’t ever give up, fight through your adversities and just keep going, keep going, keep going.
“I get letters from kids that went to boot camp that said, ‘Oh my gosh, the only way I survived this is because of our practices and our tryouts. All these other kids are stopping, and I keep going.’ … Other ones go on to be doctors and nurses in the field. That’s what it’s all about, when kids are fighting through stuff. If they have all-nighters, they can figure that out and they know they have that inner strength they haven’t tapped into yet, that willingness to keep going. I think that’s what high school sports are about – teaching them the skills they need in life, to fight through things, that you’re capable of more, you just have to sometimes dig deep, shake it off and step it on up. … It’s just kind of a thing that sticks with some of these kids, and when you see them or get invited to weddings or whatever, it has nothing to do with records or scoreboards. It’s continuing in their life, watching them have families and successes in careers – that’s when it’s fun.”
Ingalls has provided two decades of experiences on and off the court her Saints will never forget.
Through the end of this regular season, she has led the St. Ignace girls basketball varsity to a 464-80 record since taking over the program prior to the 1999 season. Her wins are the 18th-most among girls basketball coaches in MHSAA history, and she has led teams to five Finals championships and four runner-up finishes – or a championship game berth to conclude nearly half of those seasons as head coach. Her teams have reached at least the MHSAA Semifinals 11 times, and won 16 conference, 18 District and 14 Regional championships.
Ingalls also has served 20 years as a board member for the Basketball Coaches Association of Michigan (BCAM), including a three-year term as part of the executive board serving as president-elect, president and past president, and she continues to serve as chairperson of the Miss Basketball Award committee. She also has served on the MHSAA Basketball Committee.
“Dorene is someone who has been passionate for years about providing opportunities for young women,” MHSAA Executive Director Mark Uyl said. “That's easily seen in the work she's put in not just with her program but as a strong voice of leadership for the Basketball Coaches Association of Michigan. She's been one of the strongest advocates for girls basketball in our state over the last 20 years.”
There’s some necessary context behind all of those on-court win-loss numbers. St. Ignace has only about 200 students and generally plays in Division 3 (or formerly Class C) or Division 4 – yet during the regular season the Saints frequently line up games against much larger opponents from all over the state. They’ve had their share of stars, especially for such a small schools, but the success is also a testament to how Ingalls works to find specific roles for as many players as possible – whether it’s for a minute here or there to grab a rebound or get a steal, many play at least some little part in keeping the team moving forward.
And the memories made off the court have meant just as much, if not more.
Clement, who became the Upper Peninsula’s first Miss Basketball Award winner in 2003 and then a four-year captain at U-M, recalled how much she and her teammates laughed with their coach and how Ingalls has a talent for connecting with her players.
“Her record by itself could garner consideration for this award, but that is not the primary reason I write this letter,” wrote St. Ignace superintendent Don Gustafson in nominating Ingalls for the WISL Award. His daughter Linnie played for Ingalls four seasons before graduating in 2018.
“She teaches basketball, but she teaches much more than basketball. The characteristics that Dorene models for the athletes who have played under her tutelage are dedication, perseverance, teamwork and life lessons, to name a few. The players she has coached in the past stay connected with Dorene long after that graduate, as (she) continues to provide guidance and advice even after the student athlete’s playing days have concluded.”
Like many families, cancer has impacted the Ingalls – both she and her husband Doug lost their mothers to the disease when those women were only in their 50s. St. Ignace’s trips to East Lansing, or Grand Rapids to play at Calvin College, or last year to Detroit to play in the Motor City Roundball Classic, included trips to medical facilities.
At the cancer center in East Lansing, the Saints inadvertently crossed paths with a St. Ignace resident undergoing treatment, and Dorene still is brought to tears retelling how they connected with that patient and were able to give her tickets to come watch them play that weekend. The Grand Rapids center was where Ingalls went through rehabilitation after suffering paralysis during childbirth in 2005; she remains partially paralyzed and uses a wheelchair.
Last season, before COVID-19 grounded the Saints’ chances to win another title, the team visited Karmanos Cancer Center in Detroit, including the room where one of the player’s mothers had fought for her life just a year before. That mother was part of the visit and, as Ingalls recalled, “to have that, and not the state championship, that’s probably more important. … That was pretty special. They’re learning the lessons that you’re hoping they do.”
This season’s team hasn’t enjoyed the “changing life” speeches that are part of usual bus trips, because right now the Saints aren’t taking buses to away games. But the pandemic has provided other opportunities – like when the team did workouts in the snow before full-contact practice was allowed to resume, or spent one practice performing skits for each other from the 1970s and 80s just to “break up the uncertainty and negativity.” Ingalls called it making the most of what you’ve got – and those are the memories she knows won’t be forgotten.
There has been recognition. She was inducted into the Upper Peninsula Sports Hall of Fame in 2016 and received the Michigan Sports Hall of Fame’s Treasure Award in 2017 – in addition to various Coach of the Year awards both for the Upper Peninsula and statewide over the years. She was named the Prep Person of the Year by the Detroit Free Press in 2011 and received BCAM's Tom Hursey Distinguished Service Award in 2018.
All are proud moments. But perhaps the proudest is another effort that keeps on building. Mining a connection to Lowell High School and its Pink Arrow cancer awareness games – St. Ignace alum Nate Fowler is Lowell’s superintendent – Ingalls hatched the annual Hooping for a Cure basketball game in 2009. Cedarville, Cheboygan and Mackinaw City have joined in the fundraising game since, and the event became a doubleheader this season with the girls and boys teams both playing.
The event raised a record $35,000+ in 2020, and more than $25,000 this season despite attendance restrictions. That brought the total to more than $245,000 – funds that at first were donated to the oncology department at Mackinac Straits Hospital in part for the purchase of specialized examining tables and chemotherapy treatment infusion recliners. Once the equipment needs were met and a new hospital – Mackinac Straits Health System – was built, the money went into a No Cancer Patient Left Behind fund that provides financial support for patients who have to travel outside of the area for further treatment.
“This benefit game and ensuing experiences for the team have taught us about being grateful for every day we do have and to have the courage to fight through adversity,” Ingalls said. “These vital lessons will carry on in all of us for a lifetime.
“In fact I recently received a photo from a former player sitting in one of the infusion chairs getting treatment for an autoimmune disease that really struck me deeply. Talk about full circle.”
Ingalls is a 1986 graduate of New Baltimore Anchor Bay High School, where she played basketball, volleyball and softball. She attended Lake Superior State University, earning a bachelor’s degree in geology in 1991, and she then moved to St. Ignace to begin six years as a geologist before starting a screen printing and embroidery business.
She had earned 10 letters playing four sports at LSSU – volleyball, basketball, softball and tennis – and soon after moving to St. Ignace she joined the Saints’ coaching ranks, first as a junior high and assistant junior varsity basketball coach in 1992-93, then junior varsity girls head coach from 1994-98 until she took over the varsity position. She also has coached softball and subvarsity boys basketball.
Ingalls and husband Doug have two sons, Jackson and Jonathan.
The first Women In Sports Leadership Award was presented in 1990.
Past recipients
1990 – Carol Seavoy, L’Anse
1991 – Diane Laffey, Harper Woods
1992 – Patricia Ashby, Scotts
1993 – Jo Lake, Grosse Pointe
1994 – Brenda Gatlin, Detroit
1995 – Jane Bennett, Ann Arbor
1996 – Cheryl Amos-Helmicki, Huntington Woods
1997 – Delores L. Elswick, Detroit
1998 – Karen S. Leinaar, Delton
1999 – Kathy McGee, Flint
2000 – Pat Richardson, Grass Lake
2001 – Suzanne Martin, East Lansing
2002 – Susan Barthold, Kentwood
2003 – Nancy Clark, Flint
2004 – Kathy Vruggink Westdorp, Grand Rapids
2005 – Barbara Redding, Capac
2006 – Melanie Miller, Lansing
2007 – Jan Sander, Warren Woods
2008 – Jane Bos, Grand Rapids
2009 – Gail Ganakas, Flint; Deb VanKuiken, Holly
2010 – Gina Mazzolini, Lansing
2011 – Ellen Pugh, West Branch; Patti Tibaldi, Traverse City
2012 – Janet Gillette, Comstock Park
2013 – Barbara Beckett, Traverse City
2014 – Teri Reyburn, DeWitt
2015 – Jean LaClair, Bronson
2016 – Betty Wroubel, Pontiac
2017 – Dottie Davis, Ann Arbor
2018 – Meg Seng, Ann Arbor
2019 – Kris Isom, Adrian
2020 – Nikki Norris, East Lansing
PHOTOS: (Top) St. Ignace girls basketball coach Dorene Ingalls embraces one of her players after their team finished Class C runner-up in 2014. (Middle) Ingalls talks things over with her team during a game at the Breslin Center. (Below) Ingalls coaches her team during a Semifinal win at Calvin College's Van Noord Arena in 2019.