Strategize for First Parent Meeting
November 12, 2014
By Scott Westfall
Coaches often cite parents as one of the most uncontrollable and frustrating aspects of coaching.
Let’s face it, when this relationship goes south, there can be pent-up frustration and hard feelings between the two parties which can result in a negative experience for everyone involved – especially the player who often is caught in the middle.
Establishing positive relationships with parents should happen from the moment you stand in front of them at your annual parent meeting.
Throughout this meeting parents will be asking themselves: “Can I trust this coach with my child?” “Will this coach be fair in his/her decisions?” and “Will this coach always have my child’s best intentions in mind?”
In order to put them at ease, you must do everything possible to establish yourself as a person of integrity who is altruistic and 100 percent trustworthy. Below is a coaching checklist that will help you establish trust and credibility with your team’s parents:
- Transparency – Do things openly and share information as much as possible. If something bad happens on your team, be sure that you do not sweep it under the rug. Be open and consistent with your decisions, and always follow through on what you say you are going to do.
- Demonstrate Respect – Be polite and sincere with parents and let your actions show that you care. Sometimes the little things you do will resonate louder than the big things.
- List Expectations – Have high expectations for the conduct of both the players and parents in your program. List these expectations, distribute them, and then talk about them with the parents. Meanwhile, let them know what they can expect from you in return (proper dress attire, appropriate language, great sportsmanship, impeccable conduct, proper treatment of game officials, etc.).
- Express Loyalty – As often as possible, be sure to praise your players, assistants, and the people associated with your program. Be sure that you never take credit for other people’s work, and remember to use the word “we” as often as possible.
- Be Accountable – This means taking the blame for bad results– even when it wasn’t necessarily your mistake. Admitting when something goes wrong on your watch doesn’t mean that you are a bad coach or you’ve lost control of your program. True leaders are accountable for the mistakes that happen in their programs.
- Deliver Results – This is not necessarily wins and losses. Instead, deliver results on the things that really matter, such as developing a respectable team, coaching players with all passing grades and having players who do not get into trouble or break the law.
No parent meeting would be complete without a healthy dose of paperwork. To make it easier for parents to keep these papers organized, try to color-coordinate the forms and go over them slowly one at a time. Below are the basic documents you should supply at the parent meeting (Note: Try to also have these documents accessible on your team’s website):
- Coaching Philosophy – Drafting a coaching philosophy will allow parents to better understand who you are and the reasons why you coach. In this document, be sure to include your fundamental beliefs along with your personal approach to coaching. (Note: Be honest in this section – Do not advertise yourself as one type of coach, but then act like another.) Include a lot of “I statements” such as, “I coach for the purpose of teaching life lessons,” “I believe that student comes before athlete,” and, “I am demanding but never demeaning.” Developing and drafting a coaching philosophy not only gives parents insight into you and your program, but also gives you an opportunity to reflect upon why you do things the way you do.
- Team Policies – This is perhaps the most important document you will distribute to your team’s parents. It should list all team rules pertaining to player conduct, grades, eligibility, attendance, discipline, communication, and of course playing time! Include statements such as, “Playing time is earned – not given,” “All decisions will be made based on what is best for the team,” and, “If you have a problem, please talk to the coach.” Inform parents that student-athletes will receive equal opportunities but not equal things. These opportunities include instruction, off-season strength and conditioning programs, and support for their classes. How well student-athletes take advantage of these opportunities (attendance, focus, effort, attitude, and self-discipline) often dictates their levels of success. (Note: Before distributing this document, make sure that your school’s administration/athletic director supports your team policies 100 percent).
- Student-Athlete Character Contract – While many schools have had an athletic code of conduct in place for years, teams today are including an additional written set of norms for players to follow. A character contract outlines how players agree to conduct themselves as a person, student, and athlete. If you want to create more buy-in, consider drafting this contract each season with your players!
- Parent Pledge Form – This document establishes the expectations you have for the parents in your program. Be sure that you include expectations for their conduct at games, having a positive disposition around the team, the treatment of players on your team along with the treatment of your opponents, letting the coaches coach, and how to act toward game officials.
- Team Calendar – Be sure to include detailed information on the times and locations of all practices, team events, games, and places that players need to be. If changes are made to the team calendar throughout the course of the season, be sure you inform parents through several forms of communication (a printed note sent home, an announcement on the team website, email list, social media, etc.).
- Athletic Physicals – While most doctors’ offices have a copy of these blank forms on hand, it is convenient for parents to have access to them through your school.
- Athletic Fees (if you are in a “pay for play” district) – Some districts have a mandatory athletic participation fee, while other districts do not. Some districts have a waiver form for students who are on free/reduced lunch. In any of these cases, make sure that you are on top of this information so you can properly inform your team’s parents at the meeting.
- Conflict Resolution – The occasional conflict is almost inevitable while working in an emotionally charged environment such as athletics. However, conflicts can often be avoided or at least more easily resolved through proper forms of communication.
1. Inform parents that you are always willing to listen to their concerns; let them know that you would prefer they address an issue with you, rather than taking their frustrations to the next game and venting to anybody in the bleachers who is willing to listen.
2. In in your team documents consider a statement such as, “The best tool we have in our relationship is an open line of communication. My door is always open, and so is my mind.”
3. Finally, be sure to let them know that if they are upset about something to not send it through email. Email is good for information, but not communication. Try to communicate and resolve conflicts in person as much as possible.
Once you have established trust and credibility with your team’s parents, you can start building the relationship. Caution: Building a relationship with your team’s parents is not developing close friendships with them. Becoming close friends with parents can actually lead to bigger problems as you open yourself to criticism of playing favorites.
Instead, build working relationships, generated through mutual respect and understanding for each other’s position in the quest of helping the young individual become a successful student-athlete. These working relationships help parents understand their optimal level of involvement, such as where and how they can fit into your program. Below are some tips for building working relationships with parents:
- Learn their names and where they work.
- Learn what the family likes to do when they are outside of the school setting.
- Invite them to a team event such as a team picnic, fundraiser, or team trip.
- Ask parents for help with certain jobs. Many parents appreciate being asked to help with team functions as it gives them an opportunity to get to know other parents and makes them feel like they matter.
- Call them at least once per season to say hello, report on their child’s progress, and ask if there is anything you can do to be of assistance.
- Offer additional support for their child. Helping the student-athlete outside of coaching with things such as academics and typical teen issues shows that you care.
- Offer support to the parents as well. If they are struggling to get a message across to their child, oftentimes a coach sending or reinforcing the same message makes all the difference. As a coach you hold a powerful platform with your student-athletes; use it to help with their development and maturity whenever possible.
Establishing yourself as a trustworthy and credible coach is the first step in getting parents to buy into your program. Meanwhile, providing parents with sufficient information will help them feel like you are keeping them informed and want them as a partner in your program.
Creating working relationships with parents takes time, but will be the cornerstone in establishing a positive experience for the years their children are involved with your program. While some parents may have a different background or mindset, listing your expectations will help them better understand your team’s culture and how they can fit in. If done right, these positive working relationships should alleviate much of your coaching frustration and pay tremendous dividends in the future.
Scott Westfall previously spent 10 years as a teacher, coach, and athletic director in Fort Collins, Colo. He currently is working on his Doctorate at Michigan State University, with an emphasis in Sport Psychology and Athletic Administration, and assisting the MHSAA with its student leadership programs. Westfall is a former athlete who participated in football, wrestling, tennis and cross country at the high school level, and rugby at the collegiate level. He can be reached at [email protected].
Answers from the Athletes
By
Rob Kaminski
MHSAA benchmarks editor
May 22, 2014
By Rob Kaminski
MHSAA benchmarks editor
MHSAA Student Advisory Council members were asked their opinions on several of the current issues facing the MHSAA Junior High/Middle School Committee and the MHSAA JH/MS Task Force. Students also shared experiences from their junior high/middle school days and from participation with non-school teams. Following is a sampling of responses:
Length of Contests and Seasons
Based on your junior high/middle school experiences, would you favor an increase in the number of contests/events that a junior high/middle school is allowed to play? Would you favor longer game times?
Kiersten Mead, Saginaw Swan Valley: “I personally don't believe that longer seasons are necessary. In middle school, student athletes are just starting to learn how to balance sports and school, so I think that the season time is already pretty reasonable.
“I do, however, believe that longer games would be really beneficial to all ages. It would allow more students to play and participate.”
Jonathan Perry, McBain Northern Michigan Christian: “When I was playing, I wish my season would have been longer, but it is at a reasonable length. It would be harder on parents having a middle school player and a high school player, but it would get you more ready for a high school-length schedule.
“The games are at a reasonable length also. The one benefit of having more games and longer games is that more kids get to play who otherwise might not if they had a shorter game or season.”
Connor Thomas, Marlette: “As a player, I would be totally in favor. If I were an adult, I would say no because of the traveling. As for the lengths of games, again, I’d favor it as a player. But with schools that have A and B teams for both grades, that could be a late night.”
Kristen Law, Bloomfield Hills Andover: “I really enjoyed playing in middle school, and I would have loved to be able to play more. Increasing the length of games might depend on the sport. For tennis, from what I remember, the matches were a shortened version of what we play in high school, and I thought they were appropriate given the level of the majority of the players that were competing.”
Zack Nine, Pinconning: “Based on my middle school sports experience, I would favor an increase in the number of contests and a longer game time. These changes would give athletes who do not get much playing time a chance to gain more experience. I also believe that more games and a longer game length would keep our youth in better shape and better prepare them for high school athletics through an easier transition.”
Mandy Paull, Cheboygan: “I think that middle school sports should be allowed to play more games, but I do not think that the length of games should be increased.”
Coby Ryan Manistique: “I would favor an increase in the number of contests. The seasons are quite short and go by too quickly, in my opinion.
“I would also favor longer game times. With this, more kids will get the opportunity to play, and it will also make the travel and the time invested more worthwhile.”
6th-Grade Participation
Is it time to also include 6th-graders at junior high/middle schools under MHSAA guidelines? Consider enrollments, sports and participation with 7th- and 8th-graders.
Eliza Beird, Holland Black River: “I would favor the addition of 6th-graders in all sports. This would allow for the possibility of two teams in some sports and it gets the kids playing with people they might be playing with for the rest of their high school careers.
“It is definitely easier to put 6th-graders with 7th- and 8th-graders at a smaller school because one grade usually won’t out-number another grade. In a big school, a bunch of 8th-graders will try out for the team because more go to a school. In larger schools, 6th-graders would have a chance to make only a 6th-grade team.
Hayden Smith, Hamilton: “I think it’s time for 6th-graders to be included, but not in all sports; just the non-contact ones. The various sizes of schools would make it easier for some to compete and harder for others, but it shouldn’t matter overall. All schools’ 6th-graders should be able to play. I think that would be a great experience for them.”
Mandy Paull, Cheboygan: “I think that 6th-grade students should be able to play middle school sports. Sports are a good way to initiate incoming elementary students to the middle school as well as provide a fun, constructive activity that they can participate in with their friends, and a way to make new ones as well.
“The 6th-grade athletes should only be mixed with the 7th and 8th grade in cross country and track, and have their own teams for sports like volleyball and basketball, just as the 7th- and 8th- graders do. Only non-contact sports should mix all grades.”
Connor Thomas, Marlette: “Coming from a smaller community, I think the MHSAA should include 6th-graders in only the schools that need them, such as small Class D schools. They should be allowed to play with 7th- and 8th-graders as long as the schools need them, and aren't bringing them up to have a ‘dream team.’ Enrollment has to be a factor; the schools should be struggling for numbers in order to have a 6th-grader on a team.”
Zack Nine, Pinconning: “I believe that 6th- graders should not be held accountable to MHSAA regulations. My opinion largely stems from the fact that not every school includes 6th grade as part of its middle school. I know mine does not. It would be difficult to regulate the participation of 6th-graders in some schools (because they're considered middle schoolers) while other schools cannot let their 6th-grade elementary students compete.”
Jonathan Perry, McBain Northern Michigan Christian: “I think all sports should be included if 6th-graders were allowed to play. I think it’s more helpful to small schools, but wouldn’t limit it based on enrollment. I go to a small school; last year my school did not have enough kids for a 7th-grade team.”
Kiersten Mead, Saginaw Swan Valley: “I understand the monetary considerations schools may have with 6th-grade teams through the MHSAA, but I do believe that the MHSAA should start setting guidelines for the schools which see it as feasible. Middle schools don't have to go through the MHSAA, but I believe that by including 6th-graders, it may generate a positive reaction from member schools.
“I feel like as long as the coaches don't see a major physical disadvantage to it, then it would be okay for 6th-graders to participate with the 7th and 8th grade in all sports. Non-contact sports would most definitely be alright, because in high school, you compete against all ages anyways.
Coby Ryan Manistique: “I believe that it is time for 6th-graders to get the chance to participate in athletics, regardless of school size. By choice, a child should always be given the opportunity to be active, stay out of trouble, learn about teamwork and leadership, and build a foundation for fundamentals that will be used for the rest of their athletic careers. Many schools do not have locally run programs, and the MHSAA running it would give thousands more kids a chance to play.”
Kristen Law, Bloomfield Hills Andover: “When I was in 6th grade, I was competing against 7th- and 8th-graders (on community teams), and I probably would have been upset if I couldn't compete against them. Sixth-grade participation should definitely be allowed in non-contact sports, but I don't know too much about contact sports and the risk of injury to 6th-graders if it were to be allowed.
“I don't think the size of the school should determine whether or not 6th-graders can compete against 7th- and 8th-graders.”
Community and Club Sports
If you played community sports during your JH/MS years, how did the experience compare with school sports? If you could have played MHSAA-based sports in 6th grade, would you have done so?
Emileigh Ferguson, Bear Lake: “I played little league softball prior to middle school, until 5th grade. I prefer MHSAA sports over other kinds because they are more serious and organized. My school has basketball for 5th and 6th grade so we don’t play with middle school.”
Eliza Beird, Holland Black River: “I played soccer and basketball from Kindergarten through 6th grade and still play club sports. My outside-of-school sports tended to be a bit better.
“If there were MHSAA sports in 6th grade, I would have definitely played basketball. I already played with a bunch of girls from school so playing for my school would not have been much different. Plus it’s fun to play for my school. I probably would not have played soccer because the club team I was on at the time was quite a bit better than the school team.”
Hayden Smith, Hamilton: “In my experience (community sports) was somewhat similar, but still different. School sports weren't coached by parents anymore; the best players got to start. Also, it was different in that a lot of kids stopped playing; only the ones who really liked it kept playing. However, it was similar because there were always people (parents and kids) complaining about playing time. It was similar in that there was always a strong community at your back.
“If I could have played school sports earlier, I would have done so because of the aspect of representing my community and school. I think I still would have done the travel baseball stuff, but that is always in the summer.”
Mandy Paull, Cheboygan: “I played girls little league softball from 3rd to 5th grade, and house hockey from 1st grade to 9th. In middle school the sports were more serious and I enjoyed them much more. As a team we would dress up for our games, and we got to travel on a bus to away games. There was a much stronger bond and all the players were more serious. The teams were also better in middle school due to tryouts.
“I definitely would have played middle school sports in 6th grade as opposed to community teams.”
Jonathan Perry, McBain Northern Michigan Christian: “I did not notice a huge difference between community sports and school sports. The big difference in community sports is that you get a wide range of kids, not just the kids in your school. I like playing the school sports better because I knew that the kids I was playing with were who I would play high school sports with.
“I would have played school sports in 6th-grade or earlier if the option was there. A lot of community sports I played on (were) all about winning. The school team sports provide learning sessions for both sports and life. It's an extension of the classroom. I saw that more with school sports than community sports.”
Kiersten Mead, Saginaw Swan Valley: “I did not play anything prior to middle school, but in 6th grade I was a part of an AAU volleyball team since my school did not offer a 6th-grade team. I also bowled in leagues at a few different bowling alleys.
“I definitely would have played with my school versus community. We really didn't have a solid AAU program in our area so the school team was much more organized. I found that the volleyball teams through my school were much more beneficial to me. We practiced on a regular basis, and it was nice to play with girls that I was already friends with. We were able to grow more as a team and gain a greater sense of unity. I believe that my school team made me a better athlete as well.”
Kristen Law, Bloomfield Hills Andover: “I enjoyed being able to play sports with my friends in middle school, but I also liked the competitiveness of the community- based sports I participated in. The middle school sports atmosphere didn't feel as competitive.
“When I was in 6th grade, I played tennis on the middle school team, but it was not affiliated with the MHSAA.”