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After the Game: What do you say?
April 20, 2017
By Kevin Wolma
Hudsonville Athletic Director
“I love to watch you play.” Those are the six words a son or daughter wants to hear from his or her parents after a game.
What if your child does not play? What do you say then? Parents can’t say, “I love to watch you play” when your child does not play, nor can they say other post-competition statements like:
“Did you fight like a dog?”
“Did you have fun?”
It is hard to fight like a dog when not given the opportunity, and we all know players have more fun when they play in the game. When you google the phrase, “what to say after a game,” there are all sorts of articles written with some of them backed by research. However, when you google the phrase – “what to say when your kid does not play” – very little comes out of that search.
Why?
This is a hard and very sensitive area for most parents to come up with the right thing to say.
Before we talk about what to say in this situation, it may be more important to discuss what not to say after a game where your child does not play. Some of the comments all parents should avoid are:
“Why have you not played in the last three games? Your coach must not like you for some reason.”
“Your coach is clueless; he has no idea what he is doing.”
“You are way better than Johnny! I can’t believe he is playing more minutes than you.”
“Did you see how many mistakes Suzie made? I know if you were given the opportunity you would not make those same mistakes.”
Parents will often say these things because they are frustrated, and parents think they are comforting their child by giving them an excuse. What these comments actually do is create a divisive culture within a team. After hearing these negative comments over and over again, the athlete will eventually believe it only to see his or her attitude and effort become negatively affected over time. That athlete turns into a selfish teammate.
Now let’s put yourself in the situation where your child comes home after a game after not playing. What do you say?
The first thing you could do is talk about the game itself. Recount certain plays and make note of individuals who played well for both teams. This initial conversation takes the uncomfortable nature of the situation and sets the stage to talk about how athletes feel about not getting into the game.
There may be times when your child will not want to talk about it because he or she is upset, angry or even embarrassed. These moments of silence give the parents an opportunity to talk about the importance of being a good teammate and how an athlete can have a major impact on the team no matter what role is played. They can teach how to be the first person off the bench to congratulate or give a word of encouragement to teammates. Parents also can point out that the harder athletes work in practice, the better it is going to make the team.
In other words, we have the responsibility as parents to teach our kids the significance of living life pointed out no matter the circumstance. Living pointed out simply means to put others before yourself in everything you do. Finding ways to make the people around you the best they can be. No complaining. No excuses.
Andrew DeWitt played two years of Varsity basketball for me at Hudsonville, and he rarely had the opportunity to play. Unfortunately for him, he was a good player on two really good teams with lots of talent. He understood his role and treated practices like games – playing as hard as he could.
He would elevate the intensity of practice every day. On game nights, he was our biggest cheerleader. His impact went way beyond scoring points or getting rebounds.
Andrew’s parents were great teachers as they guided him through those tough times where it would have been easy to make an excuse or complain. Instead, they taught Andrew he could always have an influence on other people’s lives despite the role he played. What a great lesson that Andrew can carry with him for the rest of his life.
At the end of the day, one thing every parent in every situation can say that will have a positive impact is, “I love you.” Many times athletes think they are letting their parents down because of their lack of playing time. Knowing that their parents love them the same whether they play a lot or not at all has a significant impact on how the student-athlete responds to adversity, and specifically not playing in games.
I challenge all parents to use these potentially negative situations as a way to teach student-athletes valuable lessons on what it means to be a great teammate – and more importantly in teaching them to live their life pointed out. There may not be a simple six-word phrase to say when your child does not play, but there is definitely plenty to talk about.
Wolma has served as Hudsonville's athletic director since 2011 and previously coached boys varsity basketball and girls varsity golf among other teams. He also previously taught physical education and health.
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NFHS Voice: Madness to Maddening
March 23, 2020
By Karissa Niehoff
NFHS Executive Director
March Madness took on another meaning for everyone in the sports world during the week of March 9 – a week like none other in the history of organized sports with the acceleration of the coronavirus (COVID-19) in the United States.
The Madness was not the bouncing of basketballs in arenas around the country. Instead it was organization after organization trying to determine the viability of continuing to operate – particularly after the suspension of the NBA season and the cancellation of the NCAA Division I Men’s and Women’s Basketball Championships.
And NFHS-member state high school associations were among those organizations faced with making decisions because the heightened state of the coronavirus pandemic occurred in the middle of state high school basketball tournaments across the country. While 13 states had completed their tournaments, the remainder were faced with tough decisions throughout the week.
By the end of that week, another four states were able to complete their girls and boys basketball tournaments – although all of these states had to impose extreme limits on the number of fans in attendance.
About two-thirds of our member state associations had to shut down their tournaments. At this point, 19 state associations have cancelled their state basketball tournaments, while 15 others have postponed or suspended their events, although the hope of completing them seems to fade with each passing day.
In addition to basketball, some states were in the midst of conducting ice hockey, gymnastics and swimming championships. While most of those sports championships, along with wrestling, were completed, some states were forced to suspend or cancel these as well.
Because of varying information from state health leaders, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and state governors, some states were able to continue playing longer than others. Each state’s high school basketball tournament is one of the anticipated events of the year – particularly for residents in towns with schools playing for a state title.
From start to finish of state basketball tournaments in the 50 states plus the District of Columbia, more than one million fans trek to gymnasiums to watch these events. This year, however, many of these fans, along with about half of the 950,000 boys and girls who play high school basketball, were not able to experience March Madness.
And if this wasn’t enough, spring sports seasons and championships are at risk – mainly because schools are closed in many states, which means the discontinuation of school activity programs. The NCAA has cancelled all spring sports championships; and while state associations haven’t cancelled spring championships yet, athletics and activities programs are on hold for a set period of time – or indefinitely in some states.
While the loss of college and professional sports has an enormous impact on everyday life, considering that events surrounding the coronavirus affect some 19,500 high schools and 12 million participants in high school sports and performing arts activities, the impact on high school sports is perhaps even larger.
We support our 51 member state association leaders as they continue to work through these challenges. The loss of state basketball championships in many states is a sizeable financial challenge ahead as they work to continue to make state-level athletics and activities programs available.
On many occasions, we have written about the value of high school sports and activities. This month, we have witnessed the disappointment of thousands and thousands of players and fans who were not able to experience a state championship – many of whom were “going to state” for the first time.
High school sports is different from every other level of sport as these programs are a vital part of communities across our nation. Two weeks ago, when the doors were closed in many gymnasiums, it was confirmation of the desire and need for education-based high school sports and activities in the United States.
During this time of imposed social distancing, it is a time to step back and be thankful for these programs in our nation’s schools.
Dr. Karissa L. Niehoff is in her second year as executive director of the National Federation of State High School Associations (NFHS) in Indianapolis, Indiana. She is the first female to head the national leadership organization for high school athletics and performing arts activities and the sixth full-time executive director of the NFHS, which celebrated its 100th year of service during the 2018-19 school year. She previously was executive director of the Connecticut Association of Schools-Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference for seven years.